Play chicken with my heart

Lately been feeling a bit of rage at boys and their belief in their own mojo.

1. Unnecessary moment with office crush - because he asked me out, and I said no thanks, but attraction still there. Watching him be the top dog with his friends, at their expense, playing pool with Fear and Loathing in his pocket, chatting up the girl in the Web department despite her boyfriend. Poseur. Quite like the guy, if he wasn't so incredibly good looking. Hope it doesn't get in the way of friendship. Hmm, I punched him in the stomach last night after he said I 'wasn't terrible' at pool. In truth, I whipped his arse. Stomach? Skinny, a little soft.

Funny moment - he's annoyed that Roz has a new boy

OC - 'That guy with Roz is irritatingly good-looking, isn't he?'
Me - 'It's not irritating me.'

2. Residue bitterness with ex. Didn't want to give him the satisfaction, but was peeved with his reaction to an email sent more than 2 months back. ie - ignoring it, then posting about it on his blog for all his friends to read.

Attraction is a two-lane highway, buddy. Call it what you want, but we loved each other and those feelings don't just go away. It's not just me that feels it so deal with it. Had nothing to lose by asking if there was a chance for us in the future, and what is wrong with that? It's not like he'll ever send me an email out of the blue or call for a coffee. He was my most significant relationship, and a major part of my life for 2 years, and now he's a complete stranger and that hurts sometimes. It was probably the last time we would be in the same country, and really I wasn't thinking about getting back together but about whether something still stirs in his soul. I was home, memories stirred up and I felt vulnerable. Maybe it was stupid, but why do I feel so goddamn dirty for doing so? Why should I justify it? Why say things are OK, explain myself. Well maybe things just aren't OK, and never will be and there's nothing either of us can do about it. I'm such a fool: always put in way too much muscle in that relationship, and always got hurt.

fark this shit. think I'm angry because of flu, cold dark weather, Coldplay, utter loneliness. Stupid thoughts like 'miss his crooked smile' deserve punishment, expunging with drqs and mindless weekend music.

Bmm tst, bmm tst, bmm tst, bmm tst. Post-punk funk and italo boogaloo. Techno techno techno techno. Hoxton fins and Brixton peddlers. Fetish clubs and glam mugs. Pill-munching, air punching, dance floor lunatics. Bring it on. It's the weekend. LONDON COME ON!!!