Music and Politics

Thatcher belts a out a few 80's classics

Me: George and i were talking about the influence of Thatcherite Britain on music. His argument goes: Spandeau Ballet, Depeche Mode, Human League. shit shit shit.
Kev says: yeah but she also gave us the Cure, the Sisters, Ghosttown, Sex Pistols and Maiden!
Me: it also supports that theory. on the one hand banal synthesizer pop. on the other dark shoe-gazing depressive goth pop (or 'crap' depending on taste) and punk. All born from the same period of severe economic reforms. Punk and goth is protest music, the rallying cry of the dispossessed.
So what does that say about 90's drum 'n' bass and psytrance. What politics would that be attached to?
Kev: The politics of apathy. Empty worthless generation, dumb flag waving scum. Revolting quasi hippie mess. Fucking e-generation writing books about the good old days of the Hacienda: there were no good old days, you were just to fucked to notice. Awful awful time for music and humanity in general.
Shoe gazing wasn't politically empty, it was just a generation of people who'd given up, they new they'd lost and they had the decency to regret that loss. E generation were too stupid to even realise the war was over. They went and sat in the poppy fields unaware they were surrounded by corpses.
That dreadful place was considered a spiritual home, but it was nothing more than the birthplace of music for people who wanted to play guitar wearing a moustache. And there is no excuse for that.

If it wasn't for Thatcher, we wouldn't have The Clash - and today we wouldn't have Kaiser Chiefs.

"It's enough to make you stop believing when tears come fast and furious in a Town Called Malice". - The Jams

Thatcher's Legacy

Signs that you're old

* Everyone I work with has mortgages, except me.
* I'm actually concerned about that.
* No idea what was playing at London Astoria last night.
* Noise in the office is annoying.
* Need to sleep at night or cannot function.
* Prefer Mozart ringtone to Kaiser Chiefs.

The secret to feeling bling

Last week Kev dumped a girl via text message. We were all outraged. Doesn't matter whether he's only been seeing her for a few days, or that he may not ever see her again, it's a matter of decency. As revenge Roz and I cooked up a plan to dump him today in a prerelationship, preemptive dump. 'Sorry, I know you are uncontrollably attracted to me, but I don't see it working out because frankly you're a bit silly.'

Meanwhile G has turned the head of his 45 year-old client, who made some comment about wanting to be 'in the presence of George' and called him 'georgeous'. Work it, baby! Whatever gets you headlines.

Feeling decidedly un-glam this morning. Didn't sleep at home, so wasn't close to my shoe collection and girly cleansers, still got a lurgy cough, work is up to buggery, wearing the same clothes. Yet I can't stop grinning! What a great night of food, conversation, wine, couch wrestling and 90's Isreali drum 'n' bass.

Also happy because after many weeks of silence I had an influx of news from home. 30 mins call to sister, and an email from Mr T and Iain. Was starting to feel like I had no friends in Oz anymore and facing a pretty grim, cold Christmas.

Another big reason to be positive: it's been more than a month since I read the ex's blog - around the time that I emailed him and it freaked him out because he misinterpreted it and then i got defensive 'what's wrong if i had said that?' yada yada yada, and so it disintegrates. I'm quite proud of the self-discipline. It gets tempting, not because I'm interested, but because it's one of my only windows into Sydney life. Frankly, I didn't like the view. That sounds harsh, guess what I mean is I'm more interested in hearing about my old friends - Timbo, Claire, Marnie etc. Besides, I feel better about things and him when I don't read it. Of course that last misunderstanding jarred me a bit last week when I was all flu-ridden and feeling like a big lump of mucous but i shouldn't beat myself up for getting blue. It happens to us all.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about G's theory that change is better instigated from the bottom up, than the top down. I think i've always imposed change on myself by radically changing something big - my appearance, my house, my country. Like the girl that gets her haircut when she gets dumped, i've always gone in for big change without much thought. Organic growth, as opposed to forced dictating, has a more long lasting effect. Will post more on this later once I've thought it through, but it's interesting.

Cocaine in a tube

Here's a tribute to Natalie Dee and her comic stylin'. Love this one because it's what I always see when I look at the globe. South America says 'come here'.



In a better mood today. Had pro-active weekend house hunting and found 2 new possibilities. Looking forward to a change of scene, preferably with a better soundtrack. Also had a great chat to Lisa. Miss her so much.

Stupid email banter with Emilio gypsy.

E: To be honest I don’t we really spoke at the client party.

Me: Yes we did. You told me about your dad and being part gypsy. But I was too hammered, and then I got on to that Eskimo.

E: Oh, it’s all coming back to me now.

Me: Yeah, you were shooting MDMA into your eye so I’m not surprised the night is a little hazy.

E: Hope I didn’t make a fool of myself regarding the whole MDMA thing. Its something I’ve only recently been getting into. I’m trying heroin next – what fun.

Me: Scag head. Me, I prefer injecting the ground up bones of endangered animals.

E: Phew. That’s pretty intense. You’d like this FIGHT CLUB quote – “I’d like to put a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldn’t screw to save it’s own species”

Me: Wow. That’s so weird! I am going to have Panda steak for lunch!

E: Smothered in freshly clubbed baby seal juice? Enjoy. I’m having the supermodel lunch of cocaine, nicotine and coffee. I’m all out of one of the three though.

Me: Sainsburys sell all 3 in an easy to squeeze tube now.

In hindsight

The thing that has got me the most wound up is, in hindsight, that the ex has finally got that 3 months off to travel. If he'd done that a year ago, he could have come over to stay and travel, and then I would have come home after that.

Heh - in reality I'm better off the way things turned out.

Now to just get a real job and change my living arrangements and life will be sweet again.

Time for War of the Worlds video and G snuggle under warm duvet. Winter hugs.

Play chicken with my heart

Lately been feeling a bit of rage at boys and their belief in their own mojo.

1. Unnecessary moment with office crush - because he asked me out, and I said no thanks, but attraction still there. Watching him be the top dog with his friends, at their expense, playing pool with Fear and Loathing in his pocket, chatting up the girl in the Web department despite her boyfriend. Poseur. Quite like the guy, if he wasn't so incredibly good looking. Hope it doesn't get in the way of friendship. Hmm, I punched him in the stomach last night after he said I 'wasn't terrible' at pool. In truth, I whipped his arse. Stomach? Skinny, a little soft.

Funny moment - he's annoyed that Roz has a new boy

OC - 'That guy with Roz is irritatingly good-looking, isn't he?'
Me - 'It's not irritating me.'

2. Residue bitterness with ex. Didn't want to give him the satisfaction, but was peeved with his reaction to an email sent more than 2 months back. ie - ignoring it, then posting about it on his blog for all his friends to read.

Attraction is a two-lane highway, buddy. Call it what you want, but we loved each other and those feelings don't just go away. It's not just me that feels it so deal with it. Had nothing to lose by asking if there was a chance for us in the future, and what is wrong with that? It's not like he'll ever send me an email out of the blue or call for a coffee. He was my most significant relationship, and a major part of my life for 2 years, and now he's a complete stranger and that hurts sometimes. It was probably the last time we would be in the same country, and really I wasn't thinking about getting back together but about whether something still stirs in his soul. I was home, memories stirred up and I felt vulnerable. Maybe it was stupid, but why do I feel so goddamn dirty for doing so? Why should I justify it? Why say things are OK, explain myself. Well maybe things just aren't OK, and never will be and there's nothing either of us can do about it. I'm such a fool: always put in way too much muscle in that relationship, and always got hurt.

fark this shit. think I'm angry because of flu, cold dark weather, Coldplay, utter loneliness. Stupid thoughts like 'miss his crooked smile' deserve punishment, expunging with drqs and mindless weekend music.

Bmm tst, bmm tst, bmm tst, bmm tst. Post-punk funk and italo boogaloo. Techno techno techno techno. Hoxton fins and Brixton peddlers. Fetish clubs and glam mugs. Pill-munching, air punching, dance floor lunatics. Bring it on. It's the weekend. LONDON COME ON!!!

A REAL woodbunny

Italian artist group Gelitin made this. Love it.

Their press statement:

The things one finds wandering in a landscape: familiar things and utterly unknown, like a flower one has never seen before, or, as Columbus discovered, an inexplicable continent;
and then, behind a hill, as if knitted by giant grandmothers, lies this vast rabbit, to make you feel as small as a daisy.
The toilet-paper-pink creature lies on its back: a rabbit-mountain like Gulliver in Lilliput. Happy you feel as you climb up along its ears, almost falling into its cavernous mouth, to the belly-summit and look out over the pink woolen landscape of the rabbitís body, a country dropped from the sky;
ears and limbs sneaking into the distance; from its side flowing heart, liver and
intestines.
Happily in love you step down the decaying corpse, through the wound, now small like a maggot, over woolen kidney and bowel.
Happy you leave like the larva that gets its wings from an innocent carcass at the roadside.
Such is the happiness which made this rabbit.
i love the rabbit the rabbit loves me.

Weekend damage

Ruined myself on weekend. Too brain dead tired and depressed to post properly. Have bad 'cold'. Hallucinating on Monday night. Fever, sore throat, glands up and never ending cough. Can only do bullets.

* PsychoPat emailed me. "Realised about 6 weeks ago that I'm over it. Just sort of clicked." - it's only been 2 and a half years!!!

* Last Tuesday - amazingly good night out with Kevin and his friend. Saw a band called the Pipettes, which are like the Shangrilas. Get along with the guy so well. He's funny, nice and smart.

* Wednesday - date with George. Quite nice, good chat. Saturday - went to art gallery with George. Also nice, discussion about existentialism in Norwegian art. Taking things slowly. Think he may have had a fling in Scotland but trying to trust him.

* Monday - hallucincations and fever. LEft work, lay on couch and hallucinated I was drowning in sea, being pulled out in that rip like I was when I was 18. Think I may have thrashed around.

* Wednesday - had job interview. Still very woozy and sick and feverish. Hoping they take illness into account. It was like the job interview scene in Trainspotting.

* Miss home. Miss sunny climes, and less illness.

Fade to grey

Oh dear. If I was watching a movie of my life, I would have got up and left in disgust at the actions of the protagonist last week. It's the G, the effing G.

He came over Sunday. We had a cup of tea at the kitchen table and listened to the ticking clock. He talked about work, some of the clubs he'd been too, playing pool. Everytime there was a lull in the conversation, the clock would tut at me from the wall. I would ask 'what do you want?', him: 'i just wanted to see you. I missed you'.

I went upstairs because the flatmates were hanging about the house, but the bedroom was a mistake. He kissed me quickly and then looked at the wall.

Me: 'I came up here because it's private to talk. I'm keeping my pants on.'
Him: 'I missed you.'
Me: 'You said it wouldn't work. What's changed?'
Him: 'I don't know. I missed you. I miss your bed, and laughing with you, your sense of humour.'
Me: 'Do you know what you want?'
He bured his face in the quilt.
Him: 'I don't know. I just missed you.'
Me: 'I know what I want, but do you?'

I suggested a date during the week, once he's had a few days to think about things. We could talk and see if the spark is dead and gone. We know it's there in the bedroom, but what's the point if we can't hold a conversation. If I tell him about my interests and he says he hates all that 'goth crap' or 'pretentious and inane rock music is middle class shite'. What's the point of music that you need to take a handful of pills to enjoy? Music may seem like a small thing, but it's hugely important. It is like he is spitting on who I am and where I've come from.

Then he drones on about the summer of love, being part of that scene. Pilling 4 nights out of 7, double or triple headers, crystal meth etc.

I can't talk about work because I hate it. It's creatively deadening and just pays the rent. It's not who I am. At the end of the day I feel completely dirty and angry, while he thrives on his career. It's part of who he is, fair play, and it feeds his mind. Mine kills me.

Meanwhile we're still in the bedroom, and he's still touching my leg. He's still stroking my arms and looking at me with his stupid blue eyes, and asking for kisses with his liar lips.

Me: 'There's an expression about a cow.'
Him: 'What's that?'
Me: 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. You see what I'm getting at?'
Him: 'I want the cow.'

Afterwards, when I just felt stupid and wanted him to leave so I could commence my head-to-wall interface, he suggested dinner at the local. How long until the first argument? Between the beer and the food arriving. He's jealous of my male friends.

I mentioned that I had a misunderstanding with this guy at work, and he got wildly jealous and suspicious. It was stupid of me, and perhaps a little mean and deliberate.

Him: 'You know I've turned down plenty of women in the past 6 months and you don't give me any credit for it'

also

Me: 'We always have the power to upset each other.'
him: 'Why do you think that is?'
Me: 'Because we care about each other.'
Him: 'no, why do you think we keep hurting each other?'

He left to visit some of our friends. He didn't tell them he'd just come over and begged me back. Wants to wait and take things slowly. In other words, he's got one foot out the door until he's sure.

2am, the phone rings.

Him: Are you awake? I've been thinking about the stuff you said over dinner. Have you been with anyone else.
Me: no babe. There's been noone. I wasn't interested in anyone and wanted time alone.
Him: Really? You can tell me?
Me: Nope. You?
Him: No. I guess you had every right to if you did, though.

True

1. I didn't screw anyone in that week after we split.
2. If I did, so what. I was single and could do what the hell I wanted.

Now I was the one lying awake.

Of course there was also the date, but I'm bored of self-vivisection and brooding. I know what I've got to do.

He tox update

I was doing sooo well. Saturday was a big day. I had a good 1.5 hour gym session and then shopped at Portobello markets, bought 4 skirts, a caridigan, a scarf, 2 cook books, one novel, one magazine, and a cookie.

Went out to meet John. He asked me for George's friend's number so I texted George for it. He txted back a bit.

Sunday got up and went axe shopping. Saw some great guitars but decided that based on my level of skill and athritis, I should stick to a beginners guitar and wait until i could afford it.

had a minor slip in the pedestrian subway, where I rehurt my toe. It really is killing me now. Must go to doctors tomorrow about it.

George called me. He wants to come over and talk. He's on his way right now. Nervous as hell. Didn't shave my legs on purpose to avoid getting naked with him. REally don't know what he wants, or how I'm going to feel. I think I could go on seeing him indefinitely and it would never be bad, but it would also never be amazing. It would be at times, but it won't lead to marriage or commitment or true love. It's basically good enough, but not perfect. I don't know. maybe perfect doesn't exist. all i really want is someone that is kind and funny and fairly handsome and outgoing, that wants to travel with me, be monogamous and is man enough to deal with how he feels... not run away one week after dropping the 'l' word...

shit. shit. shit... why did I say yes?

Interview gaffes and snafus

oh, and i had an interview today. did a shit job. had a proofing test and I got 10 out of a possible 30 correct. she said i was the only person to pick up the use of singular when refering to companies, but riddled with spelling errors, as is the blog. because i'm too hung over.

also she asked about weaknesses and i said shoes.

shit.

really, really shit.

Hangover and an interview. Great!

Bloody hell. Last night was a bit out of control.

Today I ate my way through a hangover as I repressed memories of the night before. Had a good time, I think. Realising got some very decent people at work.

The party theme was Folies Bergere, Moulin Rouge, French cabaret. Editorial (me) had to come up with witty name tags for clients. I thought up a few, including ‘absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.’

I met the guy that was wearing that tag.

Him: What do you do?
Me: Well, I work in editorial creative. I came up with your name badge, for instance.
Him: Yeah. I don't get it.
Me: Well, it's a bit of a pun, playing on the idea of Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it’s Absinthe because it's a French Folies Bergere themed event.
Him: Sure, sure. But it's so long. Couldn't you make it shorter?
Me: But then it wouldn’t make sense. It wouldn’t be witty and would lose its meaning.
Him: Right. But couldn’t you keep the pun but make it, I don’t know, [I swear to God he actually said this next word] jazzier.
Me: You, sir, are a cretin. You represent everything that I hate about my job. I curse you.

Ok, I didn’t say that last bit, but I thought it. Instead I made an excuse and left.

other highlights:

Got engaged to Irish guy that wants my visa, and i wanted his. Turns out one of the girls i work with has a bit of corsetry and slight goth leanings. Nice chat to emilio, half south african half gypsy. interesting cat. speaks spanish so good to practice with!

Met Kevin's cool house mates, but had a major fall out with one guy, Loz. Quite liked him at first, except that he said ‘you Aussies always…’ and dissed Aussie sportsmen every five minutes.

Danced on my sore foot. Got manhandles by arrogant journo. 'you are the client, you have to keep the media happy' as he sleazed all over me. So that's what it's like to work in PR. Poor George.

Found Kev looking lecherously at a real minger, and I made some comment that he should look at her face. Nice body, but she was in her late 40s and not blessed in the looks department. He was eyeing her up because she was with this fat guy that was rubbing himself all over her. Kev drunkenly figured she deserved someone better than him, therefore it should be Kev. I tried to dissuade him.

Told Loz about it, and he accused me of liking Kev. Sure, I did, but I'm not after a boyfriend and want a friend. Beside, I would warn anyone away from getting frisky with ugly when blinded by beer goggles. Tried to defend self, but Loz made ‘wooo’ noises over the top of me, didn’t listen and kept making innuendoes. Don’t remember much of the details, but I got extremely cross, and then started crying, which surprised all of us. It was just at the drunken depressive point when I was trying to get away from the conversations because I was missing George and feeling a bit crap about myself, basically. Tragic drunk escapades.

He was all concern after that and said he wanted to come to Brian Jonestown Masacre with me and that he liked talking to me. But think I made a fool of myself.

Of course, the stinger is I do kinda like the guy, but I'm not interested in getting attached. And I know it wouldn't work. It's just an attraction.

Got call from Kev, we all jumped in a cab. Kev rested with his head on my shoulder and I was thrilled about it. his hand brushed my thighs too and he asked me back to his place about 5 times. But I didn't let anything else happen and I went home like a good girl. He-tox working excellently!

Day 4 cont.

Last email of the day from him had me in a mood all day. 'I miss you, but I know it wouldn't work. Doesn't make it any easier.'

Day 5

Been strong all day. Possibly because stunned by awesome might of super hangover.

Kev and I have been talking about monkeys fighting robots. He made a cool picture.

Marketing guff - or reasons I hate my job

Here is a beautiful bit of marketing guff, my favourite for the week:

“When a Reggiani lighting device illuminates something, you see outlines, materials, and colours that other lights fail to reveal: you witness a revelation, you see objects appear forthrightly, you behold their extreme vividness.”

Unlike MS. This is the lovely letter Microsoft sent us after their launch. Is it possible to join someone's momentum? Can a place pulse with excitement? Is Microsoft really filled with frustrated 'rockstars'? Don't have the capability or the heart to increase the font size in its original style, and therefore do it justice, but you get the picture.

We rocked the house in San Francisco. Moscone pulsed with excitement, the many partners I talked to wanted to find for every way possible to join our momentum, and we’ve seen some tremendous press coverage. In addition to Andy’s glowing comments on UK below I’ve also heard from Adam that we rocked in Iceland. We’ll send more details on all these and other early launches in the next couple days.

We’ve built a set of customer evidence with depth and breadth unmatched in Microsoft history, we’ll reach more customers in the coming weeks than any other server launch, we’ve built customer excitement and anticipation to a fever pitch, our global ad campaign (which we kicked off yesterday) sets a new record for engagement and perception change, and we simply have a tremendous story to tell.

We are off and running – let’s kick some butt together in the coming weeks! And then let’s go out and sell a LOT of SQL Server!!

YOU ROCK.

Congratulations on an amazing launch. I know that in many respects, this is the beginning of launches round the world, but it such a tremendous milesone, I wanted to say congratulations and well done to an awesome team!!!!!!! You proved that you were READY to step up to the plate and make this the largest every launch for server and tools (2005 events to over 190k people, over 1000 SQL ISVs, over 250 VSIP partners, web casts, web content, learning content, … the list is too long!!!).

Here in the UK, the press and customer reaction has been great (with their big events starting tomorrow). I LOVE the customer evidence. I LOVE the partner breadth and depth. I LOVE the initial PR / analysts comments. I LOVED the event today in SF.

As I said YOU are ROCKSTARS!!!

Weak day

Last night was hard. I was cold, bored and lonely. My room is freezing, TV is boring but the room is warm. I ate too many carbs and got depressed. Have eaten almost a bar of chocolate a day.

Finally got an email from Claire. So good to hear from her, that I sent a long 'been in the woods too long' reply. She probably thinks I'm mad, but it was good to vent and it was mainly upbeat.

Day 4 He-Tox

Today I replied to his joke that he sent yesterday with 'was that meant for me?' because it seemed very random thing to send. He replied, 'Yes, probably inappropriate'.

That's when I should have stopped, but I didn't and made some joke. Then got so mad at myself for replying. That I wanted to walk so fast that I fell out of my skin. He replied and now I'm staring at my draft of angry vindictive and trying very hard to not send it. Taking myself away from PC now.

The thing is I'm mainly angry with myself, not him. So telling him off won't do anything. I'm angry that I went out with another guy that turned into a jerk - why can't i pick 'em? Angry that I believed him when he droppped the 'l' word last weekend.

Retro Electro

Got a list of music recommendations from the ex, but ended up listening to Roni Size Reprazent(so mid 90s), Sly and Robbie (cheesy), Gary Numan (my friends are electric), Nitzer Ebb, Meat Beat Manifesto (Barend DID have shit taste in music).

Limited to what's available on network. Nothing progressive or exciting. May be time for a proper Soho record store shop.

Day 3 He-Tox:

G emailed me pointing out a spelling error in some article he read. Attempt at light-hearted humour, and to show I'm still in his thoughts. Ignored it.

Had some more great epiphanys last night. I felt quite happy last night, catching up with friends. Steph and I are still good friends and it won't be impacted by this at all, which is a big relief.

Also may make Xmas plans with Wilko. Always good fun!

All by myself

Why is it that whenever I go through a break-up, I find myself going into shops that play the soundtrack to American Beauty or The Piano as I buy herbal teas.

Day 1 of He-tox:

* Rejected advances of Office Crush, and declined drinks invite. Excellent.

* Spent day proactively job search. Good idea but ended up crushed by more rejection.

* Sent G a last email getting stuff off my chest that I couldn't say in person on Sunday, which he replied to. Ignored his reply. Mediocre. He doesn't deserve an email at all. But it's all out there now and I felt better for it. Now walk away from the computer.

* Messaged the ex, after he got the wrong end of my email. Had a silly conversation, when all I wanted to do was indulge in self-loathing and get reassurance, I avoided it all to talk about people we knew, and his plans for future. Kept it light. Nice to catch up.

* Got call from Steph. She was brisk and brutal. 'Get some rest. Go to the gym. Snap out of it.' Resulted in tears once off phone. Terrible.

* Got on email and drafted and redrafted a reply to G's email. On the slippery slope. But I didn't send! Excellent

* Phone call from exhausted friend at 10, her aunt is very sick and about to pass away. Puts all this stupid he-tox thing in perspective.

Day 2 of He-tox:

* Disaster. Sent G a text about a lost book. Excellent he replied about my trousers, and then replied again saying it seemed 'symbolic' and asked how my toe was. Excellent 2 -1. Replied that my toe was sore and dislocated. Now equal.

* Steph's rough and impatient attitude has made me mad. I wanted a coffee, but she doesn't have time. Only the gym and then off to meet her other friends. Obviously now that I'm not with George, I'm not in the same tier of friends. Hate her stupid system.

* Office crush proposes throwing Steph in de Thames and asks me out again for drinks as mates. Excellent. Got a friend!

* Maggie takes me out for midday wine and chinwag about work prospects. Let's me tell the whole sorry boy tale. Good to tell someone, rather than only write about this to people who don't read blog, or email anymore. Put some more pieces in perspective. I'm more upset about losing a good friend than being single. Don't give a rats about being single, but I do miss having a group of friends, and sharing some laughs with George. I'm angry that he lied, more than anything else.

* Going to gym for swim. Shame I can't thrash it out in a proper session but toe is still in agony. At least I'm keeping active.

* Got a job interview for Friday.

The 60-day he-tox

Swore to myself that I would go 60 days without contacting George and without dating anyone. Also that I would give up wheat, alcohol, white sugar, caffeine and joy.

At 20.30 Kevin, aka office crush, asked me out for a Monday arvo beer. I said yes without thinking anything of it other than him being friendly. At 23.00 he called to invite me again, absolutely stonkers. Did he mean it as a date? Does he want to be rebound boy? why is he so drunk on a Sunday? The corpse isn't even cold yet. English lads are strange.

Read ex's blog. Suppose it did look a bit weird that I emailed him only a few hours before George and I split up, but that was a coincidence. I just want to know whether my stuff is safe. I miss those photos he has of my farewell. Sent him another email to explain it, but now think it will also be misinterpreted or something. Maybe I should not speak for the entire 2 months as well.

That's the pledge. Nothing evil or damaging shall pass these lips. Esp not the tongue of office crush boy.

Every rule in the break-up handbook

On Saturday I think I broke every rule in the break-up handbook.

He called at 4 to 'see how you were doing'. As soon as we parted ways he did about a thousand things with his multitude of friends that were free that day. I called a few of mine, but they were all busy. Took myself to the gallery to see Wildlife Photographer of the Year.

I cancelled on bonfire night. Did want to go, but couldn't handle the thought of 1,000 questions on George. Also, my toe was/is in agony. I think I kicked something in a fit of rage. The pain was getting worse throughout the day. Could have broken a toe.

I called him back at about 7.30. Sitting on the river watching the fireworks alone, and called to end it, because he hadn't let me that morning. But he jumped in before me and barreled out his big speech before I got a chance, said 'best to have a break'. I flashed angry with him about how I called him to talk. Him: Talk then. Me (Little Miss Inarticulate): I don't know. Umm... I'm just so angry. i feel used after last night.

He said we were on a 'break'. That he didn't know whether it was all over but he definitely wants to see me and be part of my life because he's gotten so close to me, and he always will love me. He doesn't want me to just not be there. The relationship was starting to 'fade'.

At 12.30am I tossed and turned. Txted him.

Me:'Can't sleep. Are you awake?'
Him. 'About to go to bed'
Me. 'This isn't a break, is it? This split is forever.'
Him. 'I think so.'

The next part shames me. I rang him. I tried txting but needed to hear him say it after all of our pussy footing around the subject. He was gruff and said he was about to go to bed. He was also a bit pissed. I said I couldn't sleep because the whole room stinks of him. Harsh, stupid and irrational, but true.

I got up and stripped the bed and opened the windows to clear it all away. Two in the fucking AM.

Sunday - I have a suit at his and an interview this week, so needed to get it back. He met me to give it back.

The awkward speech about how he's been having these doubts for a while...

Him: You must've been able to tell with how we've been this week. This is the longest we've not seen each other. You must've seen that I had doubts.
Me: Let's see, you worked back everynight, and I had plans every night. You emailed me everyday with messages like 'you're bling' and 'you're the bomb' and called me every night. You invited me around on Thursday. That's not really cooling off. You just wanted to fool around one last time on Friday.
Him: No. I was trying to save it. I was being cowardly.

Drunk old geezer gives me the eye, then approaches George as I go to the loo.

Geezer: You're girlfriend is very sexy. Is she a cop? She looks like a cop. I used to be a cop.

Life is too random for movies and fiction to capture accurately.

Later, we wait for the same train. I would've caught a later one, but didn't fancy waiting an hour. Why is it that when I'm angry I turn into a comedian, making jokes, trying to make the peace and getting him to laugh? Anyone that really knows me well (Claire, Tim and John) know that when I'm doing that, I'm actually fuming. It's only a device.

Me: I think you will regret this.
Him, steps forward, holds my arm and says: I already do.

Reach my train stop, he says 'This is where we hug'. I don't want too, but I don't even think fast enough to resist. Hug him feeling worn out like a limp cloth. The camera does not pan around us as the violins play. Instead a bunch of Londoners press around us, jostling. The train lurches. My arms barely touch him as he squeezes me. Again, I feel used. I get off the train and don't look back.

The rest of the day got weird.

Suddenly Single

Ended it again with George this morning. Quite suddenly too. We've had the same fight everytime we've seen each other, he started playing the stay the night and flee in the morning game. Told me he loves me last night, this morning i made him some tea and he announced the spark has gone but he still loves me. that it was hard for him, to feel this for me...that it was hard for him to be in a relationship, and he'd never been in a serious one before. 'Not like you'.

Not interested in boys that run from emotions or can't stay past the honeymoon period. I deserve a man that isn't afraid of how he feels and knows what he wants, and will do anything to take it.

As G gave me his 'think i'm going to go' speech, I told him not to come back. He said he didn't want to end it, but he didn't know what he wanted. Said he needed to think. He had doubts. He thinks the fault is not with us, but with the relationship. He left.

Was angry more than hurt (and not that surprised). Just feel like I keep meeting the same type of guy.

Trying to book a holiday to Marrakesh for xmas, but it's fiendishly expensive. Looks like an orphan xmas in London for me. And a cold one too...

Bonfires are cool

Been missing emails from home. I look forward to opening my emails in the morning and get disappointed at the absence of emails from Australian friends and relatives. I've even started reading the ex's blog again, just so I can get some news, picture of Sydney life.

Remember, remember the fifth of November.

It's Guy Fawkes day tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I have hazy memories of Guy Fawkes before it was 'outlawed' in Oz.

There was the bonfire in the bottom park at Cromer. Someone always throws a bottle in, and everyone panics that it will explode. Don't even know if that's true, beer bottles explode in fires, but we always got in a flap about it. Once I threw a doll in the fire. Mum got mad, but it was worth it, watching its face deform and mutate in the flames.

My brother and sister got firework lighting privileges. Mum used to hold me back, which I resented. Sister burned a hole in the trampoline by lighting a Catherine wheel on it.

I was obsessed with the fireworks that had men with parachutes come out, but they always landed on the other side of the back fence in the yard of the 'nasty' neighbours. We never got them back.

One year we spent bonfire night in Blue Mountains - which had the biggest bonfire I'd ever seen. Gave me nightmares, which I still have on occasion.

A special mention

This blog is about G, who deserves a special mention today for being such an oddball. When I met him I didn't think we had anything in common. He's so damn young, that it's hard to imagine a future. Still, he's got me hooked. Like the song goes, I can't get him out of my head. His funny emails make my day. He's been quiet this week, with extra work on...

Some G-isms:

After we were invited to a free Salsa night in Clapham park.

"Salsa was my first love, but the more competitions and prize money I won, I found myself becoming more and more detached from the dance itself. It’s all red carpets, champagne and celebrity endorsements these days when really all I ever wanted to do was Salsa. It’s that simple. If I went to Clapham tonight I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself with all the screaming fans, paparazzi and freebies that I get showered with at these events. I’m sure you can sympathise."

...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

YOU ARE THE 1,000TH PERSON TO SEND G* AN EMAIL AND HAVE WON A SPECIAL, LUXURY, BONUS WEEKEND!!!

Your boss has been notified and you are free to leave the office right now for two days of relaxation and leisure!

ENJOY!!!

...

Me: Milkshake milkshake

G: Strawberry smoothie, Greek yoghurt.

Me: Marshmallow. Sausage.

G: American Pie, Bratwurst

...

Me: My new baggy t-shirt makes me look a little bit pregnant. I can walk up to a guy in the street and say ‘Yous knocked me up and Pa says yous gots to marry me or he’ll shoot you like a dawg.”

G: Be careful, that’s a sure-fire way to get married. Proposals like that are legally binding in this country.

Other ways of forming a legally binding contract that you should know about:

Spitting on hands and shaking
Winking
Mutual tickling

You have been warned.

...

I realised this morning that you left your chewing gum at mine last weekend. As I might not see you in the next couple of days, I will post this to you this afternoon and, God willing, it should arrive safe and sound tomorrow.

I know you must be pretty distressed to learn this and, for what it’s worth, I can only express my deepest regret that it didn’t come to my attention earlier.

At what must be a difficult and trying time for you and your family, I offer you my support and a shoulder to cry on. Together we can make it through this sorry mess.

...

G (on my expensive shoe buying habit):
Your punishment for crimes against your bank balance is to incinerate the shoes and snort the ashes, all of them, right up, deep and hard. Failure to do this will result in immediate and total destruction of Australia.

...

Just Googled sake and apparently it's best to reduce its temperature to -150 degrees using liquid nitrogen, shatter it into a fine powder with a simple knock and snort it in 10 kilo doses.

This is said to have quite "pronounced effects".

...

If you haven’t got their email addys, just make them up. They should still get there thanks to the benevolent interweb operators who look after emails and websites and stuff.

Just make sure they don’t get into the hands of the evil web weevils who spread viruses, crash computers and alter emails to say the exact opposite of what was written. Buggers.

...

Found this travel news on the interweb…

'Flights out of London Heathrow are likely to be subject to delay over the next few weeks whilst British Airways technicians complete the task of fitting AMRAAM air-to-air missiles and 30mm machine cannon to all of BA's Boeing 747 and 757 aircraft.

'A spokesman for the company insisted that, despite increasing competition between airlines, the "modifications" were entirely an anti-terrorism measure, and would only only be used to fire upon rival airlines' planes "if they get in the way".'

...

Know very little about online publishing trends, other than the !BLOGGING PHENOMENON! Will life ever be the same again?

...

Whoops! I just accidentally put the phrase "die you f*cking c*nt sh*tter" in an email to my boss.

...

Me (angry): There is no lexicon for the gesture I’m making at the monitor right now.

G: I’ll try to put it into words: You are feeling avant-garde and you are saluting the screen. Close?

...

G: Forgot to mention earlier that your bling-o-meter rating has been steadily increasing to a barely credible 4.7 out of 5. At this rate, you’ll make senior vice-president for bling by the end of the year.

I’m so proud of you.

...

“This is one of the most exciting times in Horse & Hound's history”

Not as exciting as back in ’83 when they discovered that horses could fly when people weren’t looking. Ah, the memories…

Dating game

Thinking about the crap I went through in the past few years with relationships.

Dating within the work sphere can be messy and I should have cast the net wider, but the most recent relationship was worth it. The ex and I went through so much crap in the beginning, with the psychoPat. We stuck together through all that and it turned out to be a great relationship. Seems sad that we let something as silly as time apart and an ocean split us in the end.

Speaking of dating in the office, I think a colleague is flirting with me.

1. He sat next to me at lunch at the offsite meeting.
2. When I worked late on Monday, he walked past my desk, got to nearest phone and called me for a chat.
3. He has started a campaign of funny email sending.

Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I just went to get some water from the cooler and he was there. He said ‘hello’ and looked at his shoe, grinning.

Did I mention that he's only 23? Why do I always attract the young ones?

Cut it right

Half an hour for lunch is just enough time for me to walk into TopShop, try on about 5 things and get frustrated at the cut of the clothes, or the shape of my body, or both. I’ve done this 3 lunches in a row this week but I keep going back, and every time they actually do have a whole new range of clothes. It seems everyone is already wearing them everywhere. It’s like a form of hell/self torture/never-ending nightmare…

A small note to designers.

1. Zippers
You may have noticed that women have an hourglass figure. This means their waists are smaller than their shoulders. So it makes sense for the zip to allow enough room to go over the shoulders, not just for the narrowest part of the body. While the dress fitted fine once I got it on, trying to take it off resulted in me cutting off the circulation to my head.

2. Pleats
Don't use them. Never.

3. Long shorts
Sick of the long shorts look, but out of desparation I finally bought a pair. I look like a pirate/Avril Lavigne/lesbian. Why can't I find a skirt in this town? A simple A-line black skirt. Is that too much too ask?

4. Military jackets
I kinda like the 40's glamour revival - what they're calling the aviator theme. An beautifully tailored jacket with sharp lines works well with flowing dresses. There's something sexy about it. It's like it's 1941, you're walking home from a dance in your pretty dress and your man, on leave from the front line, had draped his jacket over your shoulders. At the moment I can't get past the amount of shiny buttons. Also, I'm a pacifist. But it's growing on me. Got my eye on a great khaki jacket, wide lapels, loads of buttons, extremely tailored. Just need the skirt to match.

5. Skirts
Knee length pencil or A-line please, in a nice warm winter fabric. Plain black. Maybe khaki.

6. Flat boots
Slouchy boots are in, to be worn over skinny jeans. Please make me a flat pair, chocolate brown, that goes over my mega fat calves. How do these women have such skinny carves? I bike ride, and run, and do weights, and yoga, swim, ballet... But still there chunky.

Blog blog blog

Guy from put me onto this great site today, Toothpaste for Dinner. Had to share this pic with you. It is possibly a new favourite. Love Schroedingers Decaf.