Suction cat

G is off to France tomorrow for 2 weeks with some of his mates. Prediction - he realises that he doesn't miss me and breaks it off when he comes back. Sounds familiar. I wouldn't be broken-hearted. Just not very happy for a while.

Not happy now.

If only a vacuum could make me this happy. Thanks SOMC.

Unrequited lust

Still have pathetic crush on guy from work. Just followed him to kitchen to help him carry the tea tray back. But I ducked to the loos to fix my hair (defeated) and check my teeth. Felt too shy and hot faced to think of anything witty to say. May as well have hit myself in the face with a wooden spoon and made 'dah dah' noises for the impact. Why does he make me feel all squirmy? It's not like he's gorgeous (well, he is) and it's not like I don't have my own more gorgeous and tall boy.

Think it's a fashion thing. I like black shaggy rock hair, black jeans and retro pointy 50's shoes, but I'm with Mr blonde spiky hair, cargoes and brown sensible shoes.

Office guy makes bad tea too. But I always say yes, because then he stops at my desk and says a few words. Ah... must be that summer office crush thing that Claire used to go on about. Remember us both swooning at Roman god Val back in hayjb in the spring, when he'd shed a few layers...

Oh, there he is again! *Blush*

So close to you

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but
they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson

SW4 festival - Not great but I'm too stubborn to admit that it was shite and a waste of squids. Perhaps it was the fact that there were so many of us and noone could agree which tent or stage to be at. The girls were coke slags while Enguin (Penguin without the P) was drunker than Ireland. G talked about football, drug exploits, and football again.

Popped and was ill within the hour. Completely twisted. But things were good at this stage.

The world tightened up like a yoyo on a string that got shorter and shorter. Why did we leave the festival so early? Don't think I saw one act!

Our legs somehow carried us to Inigo where we seemed to stand on the spot again. I bought a round of drinks. G popped again.

After one drink the scene got ugly. King hid his skeleton face behind his Top Gun glasses. The girls powdered their noses again and again. G's eyes and mouth widened to scary proportions as he blagged on about DJs not being as good as they once were, back in the summer of love.

Suddenly, after a mere hour, it was time to go again.

Back to Steph's. Stomach burning got worse and worse. Eyes dilated and unable to focus/point in same direction. Roving about my head like saucers. Head kept dropping. G was convinced that my drink was spiked. He stroked my arms and held me as my head turns into a lead balloon, my eyelids heavy/heart not beating in a steady rhythm. Why am I so floppy and down when everyone else is on the up? I had one drink and I'm sicker than all the drug demon friends.

When at the stage that no longer able to open eyes. G holds my forehead and whispers 'I feel so close to you' as I vomit steadily into the bowl. Want to be alone to be sick, but too sick to ask him to leave. The fear starts. Have I been poisoned? Would someone really spike my drink? Why can't I talk? Why can't I see?

King got the fear that there was a monster in the cupboard.

"Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?"

Slept in strange bed. Woke up to unusual scene. Party waxed and waned as I slumbered. Fights had been fought and won and lost. Tears had been shed, and laughter barked. Joints had been smoked and cards lost. Secrets shared and pacts made. All the best stuff happens when I'm asleep.

Couldn't wait to get home.

"What? No. We can't stop here. This is bat country."

stuff on my cat

Had to share this gem with you.

www.stuffonmycat.com

Do it like the Dalai Lama

Snow Lion Friday is great.

Dalai Lama Quote of the Week


If things did in fact exist the way they appear - if things did exist so concretely - then when one looked into and investigated them, this inherent existence should become even clearer, more obvious. However, when you seek for the object designated, you cannot find it under analysis.

...[That] which gives rise to the appearance of I is mind and body, but when you divide this into mind and body and look for the I, you cannot find it. Also the whole, body, is designated in dependence upon the collection of parts of the body; if you divide this into its parts and look for the body, you cannot find it either. Even the most subtle particles in the body have sides and hence parts. Were there something partless, it might be independent, but there is nothing that is partless. Rather, everything exists in dependence on its parts... There is no whole which is separate from its parts.

...No matter what the phenomenon is, internal or external, whether it be one's own body or any other type of phenomenon, when we search to discover what this phenomenon is that is designated, we cannot find anything that is it.

...However, these things appear to us as if they do exist objectively and in their own right, and thus there is a difference between the way things appear to our minds and the way they actually exist... Since phenomena appear to us in a way that is different from what we discover when analysing, this proves that their concrete appearance is due to a fault of our minds.

-- by The Fourteenth Dalai Lama, His Holiness Tenzin Gyatso, translated and edited by Jeffrey Hopkins, co-edited by Elizabeth Napper, from Kindness, Clarity, and Insight published by Snow Lion Publications

Meditating in the rain - the day I couldn't open anything

All of the stars
Have faded away

Just try to not worry
You'll see them someday

Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Vomit. I'm sick of Oasis. They're an overrated boyband.

Still the lyrics remind me of yesterday, stuck in the rain, unable to unlock George's door for 20 precious earth minutes. Soaked to the bone. T-shirt transparent and plastered to skin. Trying to hold my umbrella, twist key and pull the heavy door up and to the left, and say the magic words, while keeping my sanity. Dignity was long gone. Yes, there was a bit of violence acted upon the stubborn door. There may have been a few tears and there were certainly some foot stamping. My mood went from hysterical to a dangerous calm and back to hysterical again. There is nothing more frustrating than being locked out. In the fucking rain.

I even enlisted a neighbour. She was unlocking her door when I swooped and asked her if there was a trick to the apartment doors. She tried to help for a few minutes and failed, and offered me a dry place to wait in her flat.

At that stage I was too angry, and just wanted to go to a warm pub, sup a beer and wipe away some pathetic tears. So I politely declined. Amazingly hospitable and kind people, Londoners, if you catch them unawares.

Being locked outside made me think about homelessness. I have almost been homeless in my life a few times. Once was when I started uni. My flatmate ended up being a big time drug dealer and getting busted in Queensland. I lost my job and the Government hadn't decided whether I was destitute enough to recieve Student Allowance while a University student. Government's attitude - 'Why don't you live with your parents?' Is Education only for those with a family?

Anyway I moved from floor to floor, couch to couch, and slept in a bus-stop one night. Ended up moving in with the boyfriend at the time, despite my pledge to never do that. Funnily enough it worked out for a while and I stayed there for almost 3 years until we split. Then back to my vagrant ways again, moving flats and houses and boyfriends until settling in Newtown and a career. It's odd because I didn't need to be such a bum, and to move around so much, but I didn't ever want to ask for help. I've never really had it rough, and I've met a few people that have really been below the poverty line or through that safety net. It's easy to criticise but it's hard to experience or imagine how horrible it is to not fit in anywhere. I can't even come close and it's good to remember your blessings sometimes.

There's also nothing worse than being an unwanted guest. Everyone wants to belong somewhere or with someone. In a way I left Australia because I felt like I didn't belong anymore. I was far from being homeless, and I put myself out of my comfort zone by uprooting and coming here. But I didn't have a job and it seemed like my fantastic friends had glittering careers and social lives. My relationship was great, but there was some fundamental shifts going on far beneath the surface that neither of us wanted to acknowledge, but seemed to cause some structural weaknesses. A lot of that was to do with me not knowing where I belonged. I felt like there was nothing for me in that city anymore. Nothing to keep me rooted there. Nothing to stop me just floating out a window, over the ocean, and away.

That feeling of not belonging has stayed with me from high school, like it's stained my very soul. I've buried it deep, but little things bring it back and make me irrationally upset. Little things like being unable to open a door, or to find a pair of trousers that fit, or being stepped on in a crowd, or overlooked at a restaurant - like I'm invisible, inept and insignificant.

So back to outside G's flat. By this stage the water is streaming off my face. Think Rutger in the last scene in BladeRunner. Finally G gets back and lets me in. I'm like an excited dog, shaking and shivering, jumping about and in a bit of a state. I want to be dry and warm. I want to be safe. He holds me still and attempts to calm me. The jeans are thrown over the boiler to dry. The T-shirt is replaced with an ugly boys jumper that reaches the knee. The tea is freshly brewed. The couch is nicely grooved. Oh yeah. That's the comfort.

Valkyrie is calling me home

Oh hello! Big surprise. Emap have given me a second chance interview. Mustn't have completely arsed it on Friday. They've given me homework. Still not sure about the role but it's got to be better than here.

Pros - It's not IT!!!
Cons - It's still Trade and still tech-focused.

Pros - It's technology that actually interests me. That's right, it's TV and film production!
Cons - It's a pay cut too.

Pros - I can so see myself doshing in Soho with Bohos, wearing funky boots and big glass beads, maybe a pair of peek over the top black framed glasses.
Cons - I've forgotten how to be a journalist.

Pros - Everyone that has worked on it has moved on to bigger and better - e.g. Media Guardian or actually making films.

Other thoughts on this rainy day: I stand beside a Viking. So why do I keep thinking about Leprechauns?

Hmmm... time for dog judo.

http://www.dogjudo.co.uk/water.aspx

Machines of Loving Grace

Title is a small reference to my Goth roots, but also to a strange discussion with Tim and G about what sex by strobe lights would be like.

"We'd look like robots/love machines."

This morning, along with MoLG, I put on some old skool goth anthems NIN, My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, the Jesus and Mary Chain. The older I get, the harder it is to escape my cultural roots. They just keep coming back to haunt me, trip me up.

Skinny Puppy were out here last week and I'm kicking myself in retrospect for not going. Mad Dog and Gnomes went. I don't think I like their music anymore but I'm curious to what they look like now, and I've heard they are more electronica, less thrashy goth metal now.

Caught up with MD on Saturday night and went to Indie bar. Turns out we have a more mutual friends in Newtown that have moved to this side of the world, including that crazy Dutch couple Henk and Luisa! Probably the coolest kids I know and now they are back in Holland. Isn't that weird? Wow, I want to look them up and start making films with Luisa again... They used to make me feel guilty for having a career and a boyfriend. Too many things to tie me down, and not enough freedom to be creative, be in bands, and have satanists for best friends. They were right.

Made a resolution last night to cool things a bit with my lovely Nordic friend. He's keen for me to come over every other day. While that's nice, there is no room for me to be me when we're together.

God, he's so young. Talking about songs that came out when he was in high school and I was at Uni. Oasis is his Nirvana. Kurt Cobain died when he was 13 for chrissake. If we are the result of our culture, then we are fundamentally different. He's a young flexible sappling twisting and waving his branches to trippy trance tunes while I'm an old fat oak or an overgrown weeping willow set in my Goth and rock ways.

Romance my white ass

Spent loads of time with G on weekend. Same argument from Turkey went on rotation. He said I had said something nasty and cutting, that he couldn't actually remember. I was drunk. He was stoned. Bad energy clashes. Doubt I said anything nasty because I don't have any malicious thoughts about him, but if I did he should pull me up straight away instead of sulking and then laying all these heavy accusations later without any actual examples. It was such a nothing argument - he was obviously stoned and feeling paranoid and sensitive while I was drunk and laery.

The argument was only a pre-cursor to another issue which seems to be on his mind. He brought up my ex - what happened? why did you split? will you see him when you go home? Strange that he brought it up and strange that it is on his mind. Probably because my ticket home is about to be used and G wants to know where my heart is.

Happy to set him straight on a few things but neither of us were in right frame of mind for that talk so I cut off the conversation. The stinger: 'Do you still have feelings for him?' My thoughts: God, I don't know. Probably. I certainly wanted to call him on July 7 and say those words, but what would it have meant to him on the other side of the world? He'd think I was a fool for throwing good love after bad. I don't want to answer that question or deal with that issue. All I know is I get angry when memories of him intrude on my new life.

Because I kinda like this new guy too. Maybe not in a big, intense 'you are the one' way, but enough to feel proud when someone else calls him gorgeous, or get jealous when some girl at work asked him out. And enough to want to protect him and not see him get hurt by this stupid pile of old bones, this history. Enough to put in an effort.

God, when did this whole thing get so heavy? Why is he so into me?

Always unsure how to deal with bad relationship moments, sneaking in as they do between the stream of pretty good. G always tells me he's upset a few days after the fact, which makes me an insensitive oaf for not picking up the signs. I tend to not tell him at all, just deal with it.

Today, post-weekend overdose, sick to death of him and his needs. I just want to run away from the whole thing and live in a treehouse in South America, writing crappy fiction about monkeys and painting self-portraits.

If the 'relationship' could pause at any point, I want to rewind it to cuddling on the deck of the boat in Turkey and looking at the Milky Way.

You think you're having a bad day

This makes me feel a little better for my run of bad luck.

Paul: Hello,I would have joined the conversation earlier but have just been held responsible for closing the waterloo&city line after i left my laptop on there. The driver thought it was a bomb and called in the police and stuff. They werent happy with me when I turned up to get it back. Ooops.

Paul: I feel a bit crap about it. And they gad a real go at me. > Felt like I was getting told off at school.

Kev: You're lucky they didn't blow it up and shoot you in the head. >

Paul: Yeah I know. Idve probably been charged for the laptop by MB too. >

Kev: How long did they close the line for?

Paul: 20 mins. They were livid. Thought I was going to get lynched>

Kev: Did they give you are warning or anything?>

Paul: Nah, just a shouting, which I probably deserved. >

Kev: Can you remember any choice phrases they used? >

Paul: In fact it was "you f*cking t1t" >

Kev: Really! They called you a f*ckin t1t? I've been laughing about this for about 2 hours now and it keeps getting better

Paul: I saw a guy and asked if the line was suspended he said yes. I said that if it was anything to do with a bag left on the tube that was was mine. He just looked at me and said "you f*cking t1t. The station manager is gonna wanna word with you." Then got on his walkie talkie and said that he'd found the "prat" that had "f*cked everything up".

Kev: But they let you off? What did the station manager say?

Paul: He called me some nasty things. "idiot", "stupid" and "idiot" again. Then reminded me hopw foolish I was and to think myself lucky they hadnt performed a controlled explosion and to be more careful in future.

Poster for the wasted generation

I should be on the anti-drug ad campaigns, I've been completely miserable all week. It could be the inclement weather, but I've been finding fault with everything all week. Everything and everyone, including my body even though I'm down to a measly 49 kilos.

Work - shmork. I've had 2 interviews lined up this week. One was with a cowboy. Actually, that's generous. He was a cock. Arrogant, uninterested, interogative and he still couldn't sell the mag to me. It was all the way out in Sutton and it was pretty much computerworld revisited, in every sense.

I got an email from ex trying to make some peace or find forgiveness. Drafted a thousand replies but in the end chose not to send. We broke up via phone, talked via IM and he apologises via email. Is this what modern people do? Is this the way of the future.

I know that he cares, so he must understand that I can't deal with it. I don't know what to say to him, and what he actually wants from me. Anyway, with this blog he has this window on my innersoul that he looks through, just as I peek through his every now and then just to remind myself what he is like, and where his actual desires lie - or who they are for now. I'm trying to forget that he was the one. I just want to have fun, be happy, live in the moment.

God, am I actually listening to bad trance? I am. I'm turning into someone I don't even want to know.

Off to interview number 2 in a minute so it's not the time to be thinking about emotions... Come on! Where is the happy smile?

...

Totally blew that interview. Totally fucked it. Firstly I had to reschedule it because I couldn’t get out in time and they hadn’t sent me the address. (11 to get there at 11.30). Then I turned up late, wet and totally nervous. I didn’t remember who I was going to meet. I’m dripping wet and going through my notes to not find any information at all, but managing to get my only copies of my work wet.

I answered every question at 100 miles an hour but in an open-ended way - not actually stating an opinion.

I said 'to be honest' way too many times. It sounds like that I'm generally dishonest and am just telling the truth this once.

I finished every sentence with 'so, um yeah'.

She asked me about an article that I wrote and I couldn’t even remember anything about it.

At one point I acted like I knew something about digital television by knowingly nodding, so she asked me further information and I completely ballsed up my answer. There was a pause, and then I admitted I didn’t know what I was talking about.

For salary: 'I'm currently on more than what you advertised for this position.' pause 'but I'm flexible on that. I would consider a revising my salary'. Mentally 'SHUT UP! SHUT UP!'.

By the end she looked scared of me. She wouldn't even shake my hand. I don’t blame her.

Whatever happened to my Rock n Roll

This is the best site ever. Almost want to keep it a secret.

Memory fades to grey

The past is in my thoughts today. It's a cloying feeling, like a bit of death has walked by... Can't really collect my thoughts about it.

Must be a lack of serotonin in my brain after weekend indulgences because I burst into tears at my desk Wednesday morning. It could've also been the email from ghosts of boyfriends past too. I was overcome with a wall of grief and anger, beyond reason, and all I could do was cry and cry.

Wish I could say that I'm not angry anymore, but I am... I'm disappointed in myself that I am still so hurt. Life is too short for that, I know this, and I hope I can let the anger go sometime.

Am I happy? I don't know. Is happiness fleeting and transitory? Can people make their own happiness? Is happiness with another person a weaker and more vulnerable form? I miss my friends. It's nice to make new ones but they have their own language, their own collective memories and minds. Nostalgia for them is the sweetest drink. To me, it leaves a funny aftertaste.

Chewing gum

Most upsetting news...

I realised this morning that you left your chewing gum at mine last weekend. As
I might not see you in the next couple of days, I will post this to you this
afternoon and, God willing, it should arrive safe and sound
tomorrow.

I know you must be pretty distressed to learn this and,
for what it’s worth, I can only express my deepest regret that it didn’t come to
my attention earlier.

At what must be a difficult and trying time
for you and your family, I offer you my support and a shoulder to cry on.
Together we can make it through this sorry mess.

All my love,

G

Sing-a-ling

Can't stop thinking about Ash pelting at that guitar and singing with such fervour. He's not a great looking guy. A little bald, a little long in the face, and his eyes have a disturbing non-blinking wide-as-saucers quality, but there was something about his passion that captured me.

Also can't stop thinking about the ugly face that George pulls when he tries to sing like Liam Gallagher.

Show me who are you.
Show me what you love.
I'd give you half the world if there's enough.

So cute... Good times.

Retoxing - Party like there's no tomorrow

Undid all the good from Turkey by getting munted on Saturday at a party. Went to club and danced to bad house music like a fool. It was the same club went to with the ex all those months ago, where he got charged for washing his hands. It feels like years have passed, yet I feel years younger too. Firstly my trousers from that time now slide right off. To think they were tight on me back then.

Funny thing of the night, Kaz was so mashed and up for love that she tried to pash me. Also another girl came up to me and said 'I've been watching you all night. You are the hottest thing here.' Must be something in the water...

Went back to Steph's. Ash disappeared early and has no recollection of getting home. We put him in a cab, but he had all his money so maybe he did a runner on the cab driver. A mystery.

Night took a dramatic turn. We were all sitting around playing guitar and singing badly at 5am or whatever when some guy fell/jumped off the roof of the two storey house. He’s not sure what happened. He found a ladder and a window, crawled out to the roof, and then doesn’t remember whether he fell asleep and rolled off, or he jumped. He’s bloody lucky there was a fence to break his fall. What an idiot! Everyone rushes out to check his OK 'cept Ash who keeps playing that guitar and asks 'Has some idiot gone sui?'

Crawled back to George's. He seems so close to falling too. He said 'I like you so much, it's scary.' I agree. It is scary. But football is still owner of his heart, it seems because he crashed in front of the telly, dreaming of Spurs. "Yid Army".

I slept upstairs and dreamt of sweet nothing.

Got up, had lunch and returned to scene of crime almost 10 hours later where Steph, Ryan and co. were still drinking, snorting, popping and dancing their lives away. Had to leave before I got more toxic.

A blast, and a slight burp, from the past

One of the great things about moving to the other side of the world is that you get the opportunity to cut ties with people without hurting anyone's feelings. So imagine my surprise and delight when I ran into one such person on the weekend.

We used to call her Molly, or The German, because she was notouriously dizzy and had no sense of humour. Memory somehow faded and softened her. In my mind, I had not been kind enough and patient enough. Perhaps the fault lies with me, I thought.

Only 5 minutes after talking to her I realised I was wrong. No, no, the problem is her. I'd forgotten how boring she is! She was blahing on unfettered about some shite. English guy made a joke, and she just kept on talking, barrelling over him. We stared on, incredulous at her lack of humour.

She insisted we walk to tube together to be safe, but then faffed about when she got there, so I ended up mising my last train home! She offered me a space on her floor. I chose the taxi. So, in a way, she has cost me £20 and 2 hours of my life that I'll never get back.

I also ran into someone quite lovely at the party. Girl from uni who immediately recognised me. "Did you use to go out with Stewart at Macquarie?" We lived only a few houses away from each other and used to have a lot of parties. Her flatmate went out with my flatmate. Now she's over in London. The world really is a funny old small place. Eventually you do run into everyone cool that you've ever met, as long as you follow your dreams and stay true to yourself.

Like the t-shirt sayeth: "I've got a black belt in keeping it real."

Alone in Kyoto

I applied for time off to return to Australia in October for my closest friend's wedding and my grandmother's 80th birthday. My boss effectively said no to my taking leave for four reasons:

1. October is a busy time.
2. Someone else is off in that month… (although it’s not on our internal spreadsheet)
3. I don’t have as much hols as I thought I did because I started in March, so I'm only on a pro rata basis.
4. Three weeks is only granted under exceptional circumstances. (Although Golden Boy had three weeks to go to Australia earlier this year. But he is Golden Boy.)

Must acknowledge boss's brilliant handling of this matter. He sent me an email, telling me to talk to HR about my entitlements. He then came up to speak to me, informing me of said email. As he spoke he didn’t break his stride, but continued walking past my desk, racing to finish what he wanted to say without having to actually stop and address me face on. This put me in the position of hurrying after him as he spoke his peace, my bags still on my shoulder and my seat not yet pressed upon. After completing his soliloquy, which was in effect to read the email, he then turned and walked away as a means of ending this conversation effectively dismissing me from his company, with words unspoken still in my throat. In subtle ways such as this, one can make another seem inferior. Take note.

To appease me he is putting one of case studies on the Wall of Fame. It means nothing. What do I care for this wall of fame? Famous to whom? Firstly it’s only seen by my colleagues. Secondly, my name isn’t on it. Thirdly, it’s not even a wall. More a temporary flimsy partition. They should call it the Internal Temporary Partition of Obscurity and Corporate Obfuscation.

My ticket home is via Tokyo, and I hoped to spend some time there. If I can't get the dates I want, I may have to come straight home. So want have the experience that that Air song, Lost in Translation and my header promises. Now I can't stop listening to it.

Map your music

Too busy to post about the weekend happenings and a few other things going on in my world, so this little toy will have to appease in the meantime.

http://www.music-map.com/

Cool, huh.

Can't cope horoscope

My horoscope today is amazingly accurate.

Gemini
Some serious effort will have to be made over the next few days in order to clear away the mental fogginess that seems to descend upon you. This is a particularly bad time to try to talk things over, negotiate contracts and/or put relationships right. You'd do best to simply go with the flow and learn as much as you can about situations. Then and only then will you see the truth and squash any suspicions that are skulking about in your head!
AstroZone

Me siento hoy presionado con mi trabajo. Falto el ser periodista.

Put the PR in PRostitution

G tells me that a colleague at his PR company is dating a journalist at a major daily paper, and the PR company is footing the bill. The PR gain an insider on the paper, and tap into the best way to pitch and the best people to pitch too. As an added bonus, this guy actually like this journo, but is obviously being less than honest. I wonder what she gets out of it.

Turkey highlights

Day one

Calis - We arrived in Calis at sunrise. Looked over the mountains surrounding our beach resort. One of them is snow capped.

It was already in the 30 degree range. Lay in a sticky sweaty mess and slept until it got too hot.

Dressed and walked along the beach. George lay sunbaking and I sat down for about 1 minute but then I couldn't stand it anymore. The beach was calling me. That winking laughing light! Had my first swim in a sea for more than 18 months. Didn't want to come back in.

George and I raced. George won. Went back to hotel and loved up, and it was time for another cool down swim. A few beers - Efes - with the locals, including the grabby Ebow. Wandered down to beach for night time bbq. Smoked Turkish pipe and listened to Turkish music. Little girl couldn't stop staring at me. Told me I was beautiful. George agreed.

Day two

Fethiye - After traditional Turkish breakfast we caught the Dolmus (which is Turkish for "full" as we were soon to understand) to Fethiye and shopped for boat cruises. Found one close to what we wanted. G haggled for a better deal and they threw in free transport. Doesn't seem to matter that it's the busy season and there is always another punter willing to pay more, the Turks love to haggle.

Then to Oludeniz, the beautiful lagoon that features on every Turkish travel poster (see above). Snorkelled with G. He loved it so much, snorkelling and fish gazing. Great thing to share.

Dinner at Fethiye and a spot of shopping. Necklace gift. The last bus back to Calis.

Day three

Olypmus - Up and packed early. A quick dip in the pool and then on the Dolmus to Olympus.

Arrived in the heat of afternoon. Air-conditioned bungalow. A chance to finish the games we started on the bus. 'Eye spy with my little eye'.

Dinner and I'm exhausted but George force feeds me vodka and cokes and takes me to cheesy Turkish disco. Open air tent under an amazing granite mountain complete with ruins, we dance to trashy pop with mad Turks. This is happiness.

Day four

Chimaera - A day swimming in Olympus and wandering the ancient ruins. I snorkel through the caves and find some amazing fish, silver with yellow heads. One that looks like a tiger. Even a sea snake! Yikes! I also think I spy an ancient pot. Can't seem to swim low enough to see closer.

G sunbakes longer and gets a bit crispy. Luckily the Nordic blood stops him getting the traditional British burn, but he is still a bit scarlet.

Gozleme for lunch.

Then a bus ride to the Chimaera and a big hike to the ancient phenomenon. Fires straight from the ground and noone knows why or how it occurs. Stars are incredible. Can see the milky way but miss the southern cross.

Day five

The boat - Travelling today to join the boat. Seems to take more than 4 hours. Turkish time is much slower than London. We stop at Myra the home of St Nicholas. G tried Pide for the first time in his life. Another convert.

We meet our Captain, a pirate. Looks like Turk version of Johnny Depp in Pirates of Carribean. Laze on deck and enjoy ocean breeze. Sail to sunken city, and then wander ancient ruins.

Hike up and then come back stonking hot. I strip down to bikini and dive in, start swimming to the boat leaving the water taxi behind. Look back at shore and wave. 2 seconds later, G has dived in too. We race. I win.

Dinner and a few more Efes. Then we are at Turkish disco, dancing with other boat members.

Back to hot cabin. I pass out with heat. George tries to take me to top deck where it is cool but I can't be woken.

Day six

Kas - Awoke disoriented, hung over and alone. Skulk to top deck and laze in shade of the mast, nursing head while G lays sleeping peacefully. A small dip and then we are on our way. Longest day of sunbaking today. Quite a bit of swimming too.

Stop at Kas for lunch and a shop. George buys an ancient silver tin for his drug habit, and I stock up on jewellery. A few evening beers on the boat. Crew bring out lit up watermelon, and we comandeer the stereo, replacing bad Turkish pop with Bob Marley.

Sleep on top deck under stars. My favourite night, cuddling under a blanket while sleeping outdoors. Hit rough seas. George had some kind of nightmare and nearly pushes me in water but then cuddles for comfort. This is when he whispers those words 'I think the world of you'. Swoon... I could easily slip into the water, and float back to Australia.

As he sleeps, I lay there next to him and think about my fear of commitment. Can't stand the thought of being hurt so it's easy to be with someone that seems to be in awe of me. But can't feel love for anyone. This is as close to the real thing that I can manage at the moment. Had the real thing with the ex, and he couldn't commit and I was in love, but I wasn't happy. Now I'm happy, but not in love. I could be but I'm scared of falling in. Which is better?

Day seven

Butterfly Valley - Breathtaking Mediteranean Fjord. We dived in and we swam to the rocks. Snorkelling. Find more fish.

Then hiked up through the valley to the waterfall. Fresh water, and deliciously cold. We pose for some photos.

G and I have our first argument. Is it the heat? Or does he see through me? He is hurt about some little things he's noticed over the week, but won't spell them out. Apparently I should know. I get mad at the sulking. After a few cigarettes and terse words, things are back to normal. Yet I am rocked after this. Nothing is the same after these types of fights.

Then a gorgeous moment. We spy a butterfly. He kisses my cheek. All is forgiven.

G also sees a strange new creature: a cicada shell! He slowly, carefully, pulls out his camera and gently eases towards the 'cicada' to take a shot. I casually reach out and remove it from the branch, explain it's just the shell. They discard it when they emerge from the ground. He's fascinated.

Cicada is my power animal. I have lived years underground, and when I come out, I will go wild till I die.

Back to Oludeniz and we say goodbye to the boat to travel back to Calis. Resort happily gives us an extra day in the room, free of charge. We take advantage of the showers and the bed, before heading back to Fethiye for final shopping spree.

Purchases:
* Evil eye bracelet
* 2 Necklaces
* Sarong
* Turkish Delight
* Bottle of Raki (for Steph)
* Two cartons of cigarettes (for Steph)
* Two pairs of earrings

Try Turkish coffee and then off to a Hamman. George freaks about the idea of being naked while being massaged by strange men in front of naked women, but I'm quite chilled about it and convince him it will be fine. When we get in there, he is relaxed while I freak out because we are joined by children. I do not want to be naked in front of children. Although technically covered by a turkish towel (think tea towel) there is the danger of slippage.

The bath guys have it all in hand. We lay on a heated stone and sweat sweat sweat. Then we are massaged, doused in cold water, soaked and washed, foamed up and shampooed, cracked and twisted, and finally wrapped in a towel. Come out glowing and chilled.

A walk by the med at sunset, a final meal, G's first baklava, my first Mediteranean fish, and then off to airport and home.

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Just got back from Turkey, very much brown and relaxed. The most amazing holiday, so beautiful and lovely. I have improved my sea diving. Much easier in a still sea and can drop down quite a few body lengths. Quite hard on the ears, and if you come up too quickly, you get bubbles in your blood... which is maybe why I feel a bit odd.

Had a great time with George too. We get along so well and yet are so different. He makes me feel like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz 'If I only had a brain'.

Still swaying from the boat cruise and v tired. 3 hours sleep in 10 min slots over past 48 hours.

Tried to check my thousands of emails. Found myself deleting most of the things I'm subscribed too - such as Times etc. Suddenly a Builder AU email is in my inbox, complete with ex's photo. I have already unsubscribed to this, but I hit unsubscribe again. No doubt ex will feel a bit weird to see my name in his inbox again, but they should work out their unsubscribe properly because spam laws could get them in sheeeet.

Found myself check his blog for the first time in a few weeks. Saw the latest developments with his new interests - tennis etc, the girl on the scene, attitude to work and desire to travel. It's funny that when you meet people, it takes you a long time to get to know how they really think and what makes them tick. But when you read their blog, you get to know them more directly without even knowing what they look like. Feel like I knew ex pretty well, but today I caught a glimpse of a different side.

Perhaps I'm seeing a few things a lot clearer - and that helps me to realise that I'm in a much better position now on the other side of the world, living my own life and not worrying about his happiness. The whole stress of whether he was going to end things to travel, or to stay at his job that he was unhappy at - that whole indecisive aspect of him, I don't miss. Because it's hard to please someone when they don't know what they want or whether the future even has you in the picture. It's harder still when you care about them...

It's obvious we've both changed heaps. I know I have.

I'm in a strange position with the possibility of feeling something quite serious for someone, but that whole expiry date in my visa is a bit of a Damacles Sword (or at least, it could be). Don't think I could cope with another break up overseas thing... But can I just lock myself away for 2 years emotionally?

This blog is making no sense. Still so jet lagged. But posting as is because stream of consciousness can be a nice release.