Holiday bittersweet

been unable to blog while away, and I'm still sorting through the holiday in my head.

Best friend got hitched - Can't imagine standing in a room full of family and friends and declaring my love and lifelong commitment to someone. It's harder than it seems. Once I was the romantic and she was the single cynic, but now our positions are reversed.

Caught up with ex - It was a strange night. Started off nostalgic and positive, and ended with an ironic glimer of hope that if I'd turned my head an inch to the right, something could have happened. I walked away. Not sure what it means and not going to hang around for him to figure it out. We still love each other in some way, I suppose. But not enough for me to make myself vulnerable again. I don't need to be thinking that if I stayed in Sydney, things would be any different. He's still fooling around with other girls and getting new experiences. Maybe the thought that I'm not available gave him a moment of regret, but if I was on the menu, he'd lose his appetite. I don't know. The communication wall slammed down after that incident.

A few days with mum - made me want to get straight on the plane to London and never come back. Ex used to say goths are angry with their fathers. I was angry with both parents. Mum for reversing our relationship so I had to be the adult, and dad for not being there to help. And also angry with myself for not having the strength to help her, and not being patient enough to understand her depression. I'd pour all the energy I had in, and nothing would show for it. She was a void, and I failed my studies while I tried to change this. After only a few hours back together and I'd slipped into the same old role of counsellor and pillar. She asked me if I ever get angry. If she truly knew me, she would know that I'm always angry, I've always neen angry. I can't show her that side because it makes things worse, makes her sick. Instead I let it fester. Healthy.

Good times with dad - We connected. It gets better every year. But why is he trying to get me into Amway?

Friends new romance - Two friends are engaged, and a few others are attached. Nice to see my friends happy and in love. I'm only a little bit jealous.

George - While I was in Oz, we talked about giving it another go and he met me on my first day back. The tears flowed in front of him for the first time. Firstly the relief of being back in London, and the guilt for feeling relieved to escape mum, the ex, the politics of my country, and all the feelings that home stirs up. Secondly jet lag. Thirdly a flippant comment he made about us that I misinterpreted which made me realise that he does have the power to hurt me, so therefore I must care about him. I think ice maiden is melting and he may, with the right equipment, pry his way into my heart eventually. If I hang around long enough and get past my hang ups on relationships/ the ex.

South America - still calling.

All I want is a job that I love and that makes me feel like I'm making a contribution to the world, enough money to be comfortable and buy my own place, and a partner that wants to have adventures and see the world. Hmmm, time for a new action plan.