Dirty feet

Dreamt about Christmas. It was snowing, and I was skiing somewhere, but racing to get to my sister's for dinner. When I got there, dad was arriving too. Sis said we couldn't come in because we had sand on our feet. Dad washed his feet and went inside where it was warm. They started hugging, talking, eating and drinking. I was upset they didn't wait for me, so hurried to wash my feet too. But the hose had turned into a blowtorch. I charred my feet until they were black and blistered, then peeled off a layer of skin to reveal more blistered skin. Then I went inside in agony, looking at my ugly feet and noone noticed I was in agony, or even there. Also, once inside all I wanted to do was go back to the snow.

Obvious meaning, hey.

Christmas - time of family togetherness.
Snow - is freedom. Often have skiing dreams, even though I can't ski. It's something to do with exhilaration, freedom, but I'm always alone and feel a mix of happiness at all this space and freedom, and fear that I will go missing and not be missed.
Snow - is also cold England.
Sand - is the feeling of being home, the Australian beaches.
Dirty feet - unworthiness, rejection, loneliness, alienation.
Blistered feet, peeling a layer - a rebirth of sorts, but it mutilated me. What does that mean?
Feet - for some reason when I was home, I got obsessed with my feet. Their ugly appearance, their soreness, the feeling of sand beneath my feet, the feeling of wanting to strap them into something that would restrain me from moving and then the next moment wanting to just run as hard as I could.

I don't belong anywhere anymore.

What am I going to do for Christmas?