I am only the gun

Feeling very edgy and nervous this week. Not sure what I want to do. Need to organise leave if I'm going home for the wedding and my grandma's 80th, but I don't have enough money to get a return yet. Also, I hate my job and am so lonely here that it's tempting to quit and come home. I need to give 2 months notice so I need to make up my mind now. What if something wonderful is just around the corner? What if I get a fabulous new job? Well, then I probably couldn't take the leave that I need to come home.

Plus there are other holidays I want to take. I can't do both trips with the leave that I have.

The other night my flatmate accused me of using his favourite cup (I wasn't even home when the crime occurred). Then last night he handed out free wine to the other housemates. When I asked if I could also have a glass, he said I couldn't as punishment for using his cup. Made me so upset that this is the school yard level of my life now. Is this the life I chose? Why do my flatmates make me feel like a leper? Don't they remember when they first came here? Or is it because they all have each other that they don't realise.

On Sunday I got teary at the museum because I paid full admission only to find out that all the exhibits and games were two player. The world is designed for couples or people with friends. I can't even go to a museum without being reminded of this.

What about people that walk through life alone? Why should we be made to feel like a social outcast just because we're alone? Why does every cafe table set for 2? So they can take away the empty setting when we sit down.

Lectures from home about how I made this choice to come here are meant to help, but they don't. I just keep thinking that it's my fault that things fell apart at home. I will never know whether it would have made a difference if I had stayed. I am such a different person now - but I'm not sure if I'm stronger. I only feel angry, lonely and slightly crazy today. Despite all this, I don't want to have a boyfriend or fall in love. I don't want anybody unreliable shitting on my life with one foot permanently turned to leave the relationship.

There's no point saying that I made the choice to come here, because the door to my life at home has slammed shut in my face. I can't go back and I can't seem to make any progress going forward. There doesn't seem anything ahead of me here. Again people say to put in the effort and after time it will happen. What if I said balls to that. I have rubbed my life raw putting in the effort and this shit still don't shine.

Where the fuck is the sun, is what I want to know.