No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist!

This was going to be a blog about cockend, hence the title, but blogger crashed on me and has been down for 2 days. So instead I'm resorting to shorthand news on everything in the last few days.

Firstly, I have had a short-lived but intense friendship with the trainer guru Rob, but alas the boy wanted more than I could give him. He wanted something in-between a friendship and a relationship, and I nearly let it happen because it would have been so easy, especially when feeling so low, to rely on someone else to lift me up.

Last night I set things right. Now I've possibly lost the best friend I have at the moment. But I can't be with someone because I'm lonely. He deserves more than I could give him.

Secondly, I have found myself head-over-heels with someone else, which isn't the most comfortable position. I've never told any of my crushes over the years how I feel, for fear of rejection and social ostracism. But I'm already fairly alone and ostracised over here so I figure why not? What have I got to lose? Tonight I'm doing it. I may get him drunk first.

Cokend (heh typo, but it's appropriate) called me last Friday, very drunk. He was out on his birthday drinks, and I was a bit hurt to not be invited. I'm not sure why, because I wouldn't have gone. OK, I was hurt that someone I spent the best part of a year with has completely cut me out of his life, and called me an outsider and treated me as such, but then turns around and calls when he's pissed and 'up for it'. The only thing I'm worth to him is a shag. That bites.

Here's a run down of what happened:

Friday night, he called me very pissed to apologise for calling me an outsider and for all the hurtful things he said, but his excuse 'i was drunk' has worn thin. There's only a certain amount of times you can excuse someone for that, and think it won't happen again. Yet it does, and you think you're too blame in some way. It's like an abused wife - but it's emotional so the bruises don't show.

So he invited me to a gig on Saturday night

Saturday night, he sent me a text 'shame you didn't make it. ...feeling quite emotional now, sorry for everything'.

Sunday afternoon i called him. It was a bad time because he was on a come down. I pointed out, quite reasonably, that he called me at times that weren't convenient in states of mind that were incoherent, and now I was calling him to talk.

Then he asked me if I missed the sex. Unbelievable. He's either stupid or thinks I'm that easy to manipulate. I do miss the guy, but it's like missing a tumour.

I am a bit scared that I'm about to lose another group of friends by making an arse of myself.

And yet, after being told there is no point being in a relationship with me because I'm an immigrant that will be chucked out of country in a year, I feel I can take on anything and if it doesn't work out, then that's ok.

Not a very insightful and witty blog today. Have loads of work-related news too but that will have to wait because times a-wastin'.