Giving up a good thing

You know when you see a great dress in a sale, and you aren't really sure it suits you. So you leave it, but then you can't stop thinking about it, and then when you go back to pick it up, it's gone? Well, that's the situation I've been in recently with a certain boy.

Not that I'm trying to lighten things by likening affairs of the heart with shopping. The thing is that I do like what I see, but I'm not sure whether I like him for him, or because I'm on the rebound. So I want to be sure, and go back to the days of old-fashioned courtship.

But now I just keep thinking 'what if...?'

He's a good guy too. The only bad things I can list: snores, smelly feet, smokes too much pot - are pretty low on the list of boy crimes. There's plenty of good things - smart, funny, adventurous, laid back, open-minded.

Then there's the part of tme that wants to take some time out, be single, learn italian, start to edit films, move house, run for charity... I don't have time for boyfriends and their games. I've just emerged from a hurtful relationship that made me feel low... It's time for 'me time'.

Watching a very bad midday film that is supposed to be set in Venice, but they mustn't have had the budget, because it is quite obviously Amsterdam. I love the fact the actors are wearing berets (because they are sooo Italian) and they've put up fake flags and got the extras speaking Italian. It's Amsterdam! I see the tulips and windmills! There are barges instead of gondolas! There's a herring stand! Look at the bikes!

The Fall

I saw the Fall on Friday night. Awesome. My first proper English mosh - not one of those oh so polite ones, but real rough and tumble, arcs of beer in the air, elbows in the rib cage type of mosh pits.

Here's an education for those that don't know The Fall, because I feel your life lacks colour without them in your life. Do yourself a favour and watch these vids. Artists that ripped off the Fall include: Sonic Youth and Pavement.

Great doco on Mark E Smith - the founder and only constant member of a band that exemplifies his - and our - dysfunction and disaffectation. There's been so many members it's like Mark E Smith runs the band like a guest house. this is just part 1 of a 9 part series, but should give you an idea. "I don't want to give my secrets away to these idiots at the BBC, you understand?" Mark E Smith to the BBC journo.

John Peel introducing them - back in 1983... I challenge you not to like them here.

Probably one of their most famous tunes. Pretty funky, but I love it.

This is recent. They've still got it.

This is also recent, the pretty (but terrible) keyboardist is Mark E Smith's wife. Note the 20 year age diff. I love the way he coaches her at the beginning. Great bass line though.

Why did I abandon thee?

So many reasons, partly technical. I have no PC, and tend to borrow my flattys. Last house I had none at all, and the last thing I wanted to do was write at work. Spies everywhere. Plus I was so busy maintaining the work blog: www.bucketofshitblog.com What it should have been called anyway.

Partly lack of lustre in my life. It gets dull whinging over the same old ground. And then it gets hard to start again, once you've stopped.

And what's new? Well, as you know, I got back with George and things were good. I went home to sort out the visa. I missed my family. Saw the ex, and there was a spark. He held me on the street and I walked away. I got back to London and kept up my running. George and I were good again. But then I had a job from hell - not paying me. not publishing mags. Not distributing mags. fending calls from angry subscribers. trying to write features to unrealistic deadlines, in office that was shit. on old macs. there weren't even any teaspoons, and we had to buy our own milk! No soap in the toilet. I was working till 3am in this shit hole. Plus I was living and working close, so I was constantly in a 'zone'.

Then I quit the job and they didn't give garden leave and got me to finish in a week, so I was unemployed for a month while my visa switched over. It rained the whole time.

Things got worse with George and me, the whole stress about whether I could stay in the country or had to leave, the constant work, then sudden lack of it, the not being paid and his attitude that things had to centre around him. It took its toll. I got snappy. He got sullen. He also planned a holiday with his mates over my birthday, without me, because he forgot. It meant we couldn't have a holiday together. Enough dirty laundry, but we broke up. Not in a nice way, but not the worst way either.

Then, wow, things turned around. New job is great. Area is great - no crack heads. It's all pretty and old London. Glastonbury, lovely. Kissed a sweey guy at Stone Circle. Planning a summer holiday. I quit the running, but I think I'm ready to start again, or get some hobby. don't want to start a relationship just yet, but I am tempted by the good kisser. He's taking me to the theatre tomorrow night.

If only it would stop friggin raining! I wish I was over G too..