From bling to ming, Godhead to cockend

Yes, I saw G recently. Had so much rage inside, so much i wanted to say, that I rang and we met for coffee.

But by the time we met, the anger had transformed into some disabling factor. I'm inarticulate, bottling up the rage, unable to express it. It comes in short frothy wave.

He's looking at the TV, looking like he's deep in thought, like he's about to say something.

'What is it?'

'Nothing.'

It's time to part ways. I've said what I came to say. I can see now that I've not only lost a boyfriend, but all the friends as well. And if that's they way it is with them, then i'm better off. Don't need fair weather friends. He points out this is not his fault. I agree, but I don't mean it. It's not his fault individually, but if Steph wasn't so paranoid that her friendship with George would dissolve if she remained in contact with me, then it speaks of how fragile their bond really is. I can see them all drifting apart in 5 years anyway. Mates through Uni, took a lot of drugs together, good times yada yada yada. It only takes one of them to change their priorities for it all to crumble apart.

It's a shame, I reasoned at first to him, because to begin with I didn't even want a boyfriend. I wanted some friends to go clubbing with and travel with and just have some adventures. And then G happened. I thought we could keep it casual, but then it got more serious. He got intense.

So then I decide why not give it a try, and part of me still wants that whole casual effortless friendship. Instead it's always so hard. I've never felt so unaccepted and misunderstood by people in my life.

Back to the coffee and the heavy talk, it's time to leave, he is walking along beside me, his face still in that heavy concentration mode that I've come to know so well in the past 3 months as things deteriorated. I associate it with the look before he says something shit. I'm already bracing myself for it...

'Do you miss the sex?'

And it begins on Long Acre, walking towards Leicester Square, his dance of horny desperation. The last of the great Romantics. Some of the classic manipulative comments:

* You have to admit, it was good. You have to admit you would enjoy it.

* I'm not talking about the future, I'm talking about having some fun right now.

* It's normal after break-ups for this to happen. It always happens after couples break-up.

* There are a whole host of reasons why I miss you, but just one of them is being intimate with you and not just in a sexual way. But I can't stop thinking about your tits.

* I wouldn't throw you out afterwards.

* You should take it as a compliment.

We part ways, not amicably. It takes me saying 'I thought you would know me well enough by now to realise when I'm uncomfortable and angry with your proposal'. Sometimes I'm more English than he could ever be.

He calls me at home to apologise again. 'Do you want to come over?'

I decline the invite. The 12am text message 'I miss your touch, I want you so much'.

I'm not good with words. To quote one of the greatest living poets of our time once said: I ain't no hollaback girl.