Silver linings

Yes, I've been slack on the blogging - but then I've been good on the living!

So what's new - well I'm enjoying my new gaff - the location is handy to everything, there's a lot more going down at my doorstep, and my room feels more me than the last empty place did (despite my best efforts with a paintbrush).

I've bought tickets to see Sisters of Mercy(!).

The gym has paid off. I've lost 3 more inches on my waist and hips. Still got booty though. That ain't shifting, and that's OK. Was pleased to buy jeans 3 sizes smaller! Yay me!

Looks like I may get a holiday after all, to beautiful Chamonix with Pod, for some lovely, lovely snow and loads of scrummy French wine and food... oh la la.

Got a job interview tomorrow, but it's in Uxbridge. Although I've had 2 other promising and exciting leads in London town... one is PR for this company and the other is journalism for an online financial tech new site.

The friends - I'm pretty close to the OC and his swag of friends now - so decided to back off any romance plans for the short term with any of them. I really want a group of good friends more than anything else.

Steph and that crew - nothing from the people I've spent the best part of a year with. But I figure they aren't my friends anymore, anyway. Yawn, it's all so high school and stupid, dropping contact with friends because of a break up. FFS!

Boy sitch - blissful silence from George after he sent me a confusing Valentine's and made noises about missing me and being unsure what he wants again, only to take it all back. It's not what I want at all - to get back with that louse - and yet I still felt a bit conflicted and jerked around and let down after the 5 days of mixed messages. I think he's realised that it's not fair, and he's made an effort to stop.

Bad moon rising

Maybe it's the full moon but I did somethings on the weekend that I think I'm too ashamed to blog about. Well, I can't regret them. Life's too short, but I can't share them either.

Maybe later...

From bling to ming, Godhead to cockend

Yes, I saw G recently. Had so much rage inside, so much i wanted to say, that I rang and we met for coffee.

But by the time we met, the anger had transformed into some disabling factor. I'm inarticulate, bottling up the rage, unable to express it. It comes in short frothy wave.

He's looking at the TV, looking like he's deep in thought, like he's about to say something.

'What is it?'

'Nothing.'

It's time to part ways. I've said what I came to say. I can see now that I've not only lost a boyfriend, but all the friends as well. And if that's they way it is with them, then i'm better off. Don't need fair weather friends. He points out this is not his fault. I agree, but I don't mean it. It's not his fault individually, but if Steph wasn't so paranoid that her friendship with George would dissolve if she remained in contact with me, then it speaks of how fragile their bond really is. I can see them all drifting apart in 5 years anyway. Mates through Uni, took a lot of drugs together, good times yada yada yada. It only takes one of them to change their priorities for it all to crumble apart.

It's a shame, I reasoned at first to him, because to begin with I didn't even want a boyfriend. I wanted some friends to go clubbing with and travel with and just have some adventures. And then G happened. I thought we could keep it casual, but then it got more serious. He got intense.

So then I decide why not give it a try, and part of me still wants that whole casual effortless friendship. Instead it's always so hard. I've never felt so unaccepted and misunderstood by people in my life.

Back to the coffee and the heavy talk, it's time to leave, he is walking along beside me, his face still in that heavy concentration mode that I've come to know so well in the past 3 months as things deteriorated. I associate it with the look before he says something shit. I'm already bracing myself for it...

'Do you miss the sex?'

And it begins on Long Acre, walking towards Leicester Square, his dance of horny desperation. The last of the great Romantics. Some of the classic manipulative comments:

* You have to admit, it was good. You have to admit you would enjoy it.

* I'm not talking about the future, I'm talking about having some fun right now.

* It's normal after break-ups for this to happen. It always happens after couples break-up.

* There are a whole host of reasons why I miss you, but just one of them is being intimate with you and not just in a sexual way. But I can't stop thinking about your tits.

* I wouldn't throw you out afterwards.

* You should take it as a compliment.

We part ways, not amicably. It takes me saying 'I thought you would know me well enough by now to realise when I'm uncomfortable and angry with your proposal'. Sometimes I'm more English than he could ever be.

He calls me at home to apologise again. 'Do you want to come over?'

I decline the invite. The 12am text message 'I miss your touch, I want you so much'.

I'm not good with words. To quote one of the greatest living poets of our time once said: I ain't no hollaback girl.

Doesn't rain, but flood

Overwhelmed by emails this morning.

It's been an amazing weekend, and I'm a bit too overwhelmed to write. Just got asked on a date. It's not the boy that I like. It's his good mate. I'm still a bit thrilled. Not sure what to say either.

What's more, I thought I'd asked someone out and it turned out he didn't realise.

Bon says:
i am crap at these things. i tried to remember when you turned me down that time and emulate that.

Bored to tears says:
When did I turn you down?
Bon says:
When? Last year sometime i asked you to a film and you turned me down. now i'm really embarrassed.
Bored to tears says:
I didn't turn you down, I just hate going to the cinema. You don't have to be embarressed
Bon says:
well, i took it as you not being interested in a date and let it lie. and you can't even remember!
Bored to tears says:
nah, I can remember, I just didn't realise. You know me well enough to know I'm hopeless at picking up on things. Sorry. Are you gonna hit me in the back of the head?
Bon says:
Too busy hitting my forehead against monitor
Bored to tears says:
You wanna see pics of my new bike?
Bon says:
heh, that's your answer for any awkward social situation now, isn't it.
Bored to tears says:
yeah, there was a lull in the convresation yesterday so I plugged it by shpowing Maria a pic of my bike.
Bon says:
smooth.
Bored to tears says:
like ice
Bon says:
feel really jittery now. you didn't realise, i've turned down rob. it's all too much for 30 mins work.
Bored to tears says:
erm, you wanna see a pic of my bike

Look, no strings

Him: I still find you seriously attractive and miss being with you. Would love it if we could still see each other, no strings. I just don’t want a girlfriend at the moment.

Me: Strings: I’d love to string you up and leave you somewhere.