"I just need to catch my breath, before you take it away again." A good line from a cheesy source, but it relates to the state I'm in right now.
So went out with the new boy, last night. I say 'new boy' but he's not. We had dinner and I saw a side of him that I didn't like so much. I 'liked less' to steal a phrase that G directed at me.
Anyway, R-boy was in a mood because he hadn't had a smoke in a while. Addiction takes more than it gives. His thoughts jumped around like a cat on heat, while his mood stayed dark. At a few points the conversation led to sex, and the whole energy reminded me of G.
Just too much for me. I'm not ready to fall in love, and he's not the one I'm going to fall in love with anyway.
God, I miss ol' geezer teeth today. I miss it when he looked at me with love and I felt it. It's been a while since I've seen that look.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
Giving up a good thing
You know when you see a great dress in a sale, and you aren't really sure it suits you. So you leave it, but then you can't stop thinking about it, and then when you go back to pick it up, it's gone? Well, that's the situation I've been in recently with a certain boy.
Not that I'm trying to lighten things by likening affairs of the heart with shopping. The thing is that I do like what I see, but I'm not sure whether I like him for him, or because I'm on the rebound. So I want to be sure, and go back to the days of old-fashioned courtship.
But now I just keep thinking 'what if...?'
He's a good guy too. The only bad things I can list: snores, smelly feet, smokes too much pot - are pretty low on the list of boy crimes. There's plenty of good things - smart, funny, adventurous, laid back, open-minded.
Then there's the part of tme that wants to take some time out, be single, learn italian, start to edit films, move house, run for charity... I don't have time for boyfriends and their games. I've just emerged from a hurtful relationship that made me feel low... It's time for 'me time'.
Watching a very bad midday film that is supposed to be set in Venice, but they mustn't have had the budget, because it is quite obviously Amsterdam. I love the fact the actors are wearing berets (because they are sooo Italian) and they've put up fake flags and got the extras speaking Italian. It's Amsterdam! I see the tulips and windmills! There are barges instead of gondolas! There's a herring stand! Look at the bikes!
Not that I'm trying to lighten things by likening affairs of the heart with shopping. The thing is that I do like what I see, but I'm not sure whether I like him for him, or because I'm on the rebound. So I want to be sure, and go back to the days of old-fashioned courtship.
But now I just keep thinking 'what if...?'
He's a good guy too. The only bad things I can list: snores, smelly feet, smokes too much pot - are pretty low on the list of boy crimes. There's plenty of good things - smart, funny, adventurous, laid back, open-minded.
Then there's the part of tme that wants to take some time out, be single, learn italian, start to edit films, move house, run for charity... I don't have time for boyfriends and their games. I've just emerged from a hurtful relationship that made me feel low... It's time for 'me time'.
Watching a very bad midday film that is supposed to be set in Venice, but they mustn't have had the budget, because it is quite obviously Amsterdam. I love the fact the actors are wearing berets (because they are sooo Italian) and they've put up fake flags and got the extras speaking Italian. It's Amsterdam! I see the tulips and windmills! There are barges instead of gondolas! There's a herring stand! Look at the bikes!
Sunday, July 22, 2007
The Fall
I saw the Fall on Friday night. Awesome. My first proper English mosh - not one of those oh so polite ones, but real rough and tumble, arcs of beer in the air, elbows in the rib cage type of mosh pits.
Here's an education for those that don't know The Fall, because I feel your life lacks colour without them in your life. Do yourself a favour and watch these vids. Artists that ripped off the Fall include: Sonic Youth and Pavement.
Great doco on Mark E Smith - the founder and only constant member of a band that exemplifies his - and our - dysfunction and disaffectation. There's been so many members it's like Mark E Smith runs the band like a guest house. this is just part 1 of a 9 part series, but should give you an idea. "I don't want to give my secrets away to these idiots at the BBC, you understand?" Mark E Smith to the BBC journo.
John Peel introducing them - back in 1983... I challenge you not to like them here.
Probably one of their most famous tunes. Pretty funky, but I love it.
This is recent. They've still got it.
This is also recent, the pretty (but terrible) keyboardist is Mark E Smith's wife. Note the 20 year age diff. I love the way he coaches her at the beginning. Great bass line though.
Here's an education for those that don't know The Fall, because I feel your life lacks colour without them in your life. Do yourself a favour and watch these vids. Artists that ripped off the Fall include: Sonic Youth and Pavement.
Great doco on Mark E Smith - the founder and only constant member of a band that exemplifies his - and our - dysfunction and disaffectation. There's been so many members it's like Mark E Smith runs the band like a guest house. this is just part 1 of a 9 part series, but should give you an idea. "I don't want to give my secrets away to these idiots at the BBC, you understand?" Mark E Smith to the BBC journo.
John Peel introducing them - back in 1983... I challenge you not to like them here.
Probably one of their most famous tunes. Pretty funky, but I love it.
This is recent. They've still got it.
This is also recent, the pretty (but terrible) keyboardist is Mark E Smith's wife. Note the 20 year age diff. I love the way he coaches her at the beginning. Great bass line though.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Why did I abandon thee?
So many reasons, partly technical. I have no PC, and tend to borrow my flattys. Last house I had none at all, and the last thing I wanted to do was write at work. Spies everywhere. Plus I was so busy maintaining the work blog: www.bucketofshitblog.com What it should have been called anyway.
Partly lack of lustre in my life. It gets dull whinging over the same old ground. And then it gets hard to start again, once you've stopped.
And what's new? Well, as you know, I got back with George and things were good. I went home to sort out the visa. I missed my family. Saw the ex, and there was a spark. He held me on the street and I walked away. I got back to London and kept up my running. George and I were good again. But then I had a job from hell - not paying me. not publishing mags. Not distributing mags. fending calls from angry subscribers. trying to write features to unrealistic deadlines, in office that was shit. on old macs. there weren't even any teaspoons, and we had to buy our own milk! No soap in the toilet. I was working till 3am in this shit hole. Plus I was living and working close, so I was constantly in a 'zone'.
Then I quit the job and they didn't give garden leave and got me to finish in a week, so I was unemployed for a month while my visa switched over. It rained the whole time.
Things got worse with George and me, the whole stress about whether I could stay in the country or had to leave, the constant work, then sudden lack of it, the not being paid and his attitude that things had to centre around him. It took its toll. I got snappy. He got sullen. He also planned a holiday with his mates over my birthday, without me, because he forgot. It meant we couldn't have a holiday together. Enough dirty laundry, but we broke up. Not in a nice way, but not the worst way either.
Then, wow, things turned around. New job is great. Area is great - no crack heads. It's all pretty and old London. Glastonbury, lovely. Kissed a sweey guy at Stone Circle. Planning a summer holiday. I quit the running, but I think I'm ready to start again, or get some hobby. don't want to start a relationship just yet, but I am tempted by the good kisser. He's taking me to the theatre tomorrow night.
If only it would stop friggin raining! I wish I was over G too..
Partly lack of lustre in my life. It gets dull whinging over the same old ground. And then it gets hard to start again, once you've stopped.
And what's new? Well, as you know, I got back with George and things were good. I went home to sort out the visa. I missed my family. Saw the ex, and there was a spark. He held me on the street and I walked away. I got back to London and kept up my running. George and I were good again. But then I had a job from hell - not paying me. not publishing mags. Not distributing mags. fending calls from angry subscribers. trying to write features to unrealistic deadlines, in office that was shit. on old macs. there weren't even any teaspoons, and we had to buy our own milk! No soap in the toilet. I was working till 3am in this shit hole. Plus I was living and working close, so I was constantly in a 'zone'.
Then I quit the job and they didn't give garden leave and got me to finish in a week, so I was unemployed for a month while my visa switched over. It rained the whole time.
Things got worse with George and me, the whole stress about whether I could stay in the country or had to leave, the constant work, then sudden lack of it, the not being paid and his attitude that things had to centre around him. It took its toll. I got snappy. He got sullen. He also planned a holiday with his mates over my birthday, without me, because he forgot. It meant we couldn't have a holiday together. Enough dirty laundry, but we broke up. Not in a nice way, but not the worst way either.
Then, wow, things turned around. New job is great. Area is great - no crack heads. It's all pretty and old London. Glastonbury, lovely. Kissed a sweey guy at Stone Circle. Planning a summer holiday. I quit the running, but I think I'm ready to start again, or get some hobby. don't want to start a relationship just yet, but I am tempted by the good kisser. He's taking me to the theatre tomorrow night.
If only it would stop friggin raining! I wish I was over G too..
Monday, August 14, 2006
Is bad luck a virus?
From the Claire - "It's been ages since I heard from you and no blog updates either, I notice!! I'm hoping that this actually means all is going well as I know it's way easier to write a lot when one is angsty ; )"
And yeah, that's why i'm blogging again. OK - It's not all doom and gloom. I just came back from a fabulous holiday in Greece and the whole time I tried to be positive and happy. It was gorgeous and lovely, lots of beaches and sunshine.
However, there's no point in fighting it, I have had a rash of bad luck lately. All I can do is shrug and roll with the punches.
1. My flatmates accidentally forwarded me an email where they bitched about me, called me a 'miserable twat' that looks like I was 'seriously abused as a child'. They have plotted to vote me out of the house. It was a lot of bother and heartache from a pair of chippy bitches. I have been a great flatmate - i always tidy up after myslef and them, never complain about all their shit, and have gone out of my way to make it a nice place to live. But yeah, sometimes i don't want to go to the pub with them and get wankered, esp. mid-week. sometimes i like to read a book instead or go for a jog. I confronted them about it, and they are acting pretty sorry and cheery, but now I don't trust them and I hate feeling uncomfortable where I live. Unwelcome in my house. Chippy little bitches with sharp tongues.
2. Not to dwell on that nastiness, I went on holiday with George, but my bag didn't come with me. Incompetent baggage handlers didn't put my bag on the plane. This is the 3rd time this has happened to me! (the bright side - i could get some money from insurance!) Four days of wearing a soggy, baggy, over-priced bikini bought at the local super market.
3. An agency rejected taking on my HSMP visa application case. Pretty gutting to think all your achievements and training would not be "granted points", count for nothing in this system. Bright side - going to apply directly and avoid the agency. If i'm rejected, my company will sponsor me. I just didn't want to be tied down. What if i want to go home next year?
4. I bought 2 tickets for £7.20 from a train ticketing machine, but £50 has been taken from my account. To reverse this, I have to send the tickets - that i no longer have as they are in the ticket machine - and a copy of my bank statement to some office in Norwich (where? exactly!) and wait a certain amount of time for some over-paid officials to assess whether something went wrong. "To assess exactly what you THINK you purchased." Just gimme back my money, cunts.
But at this stage, it's just one more on the pile of bad luck. I'm not even that angry or surprised, more resigned that I've picked up some kind of bad luck virus. Must mitigate my risks until the spate is finished. Must not mention any of this to the bitchy flatmates as it's fuel for their fire.
5. Spoke to home to hear a wave of bad news family-related. It's nothing to do with me, but I feel slightly responsible for what's happening - like my bad luck is rubbing off on others. And I'm too busy, too far away, and maybe too selfish picking up after my own life to help them. Yep. Maybe my flatmates are right.
Despite this, I'm determined to not let the post-holiday glow disappear so quickly. "Good feeling, won't you stay with me just a little longer."
Meanwhile, I'm glad to hear the luck has changed for shoe-boy. His got himself a girlfriend while I was on holiday. Good for him. About time.
And yeah, that's why i'm blogging again. OK - It's not all doom and gloom. I just came back from a fabulous holiday in Greece and the whole time I tried to be positive and happy. It was gorgeous and lovely, lots of beaches and sunshine.
However, there's no point in fighting it, I have had a rash of bad luck lately. All I can do is shrug and roll with the punches.
1. My flatmates accidentally forwarded me an email where they bitched about me, called me a 'miserable twat' that looks like I was 'seriously abused as a child'. They have plotted to vote me out of the house. It was a lot of bother and heartache from a pair of chippy bitches. I have been a great flatmate - i always tidy up after myslef and them, never complain about all their shit, and have gone out of my way to make it a nice place to live. But yeah, sometimes i don't want to go to the pub with them and get wankered, esp. mid-week. sometimes i like to read a book instead or go for a jog. I confronted them about it, and they are acting pretty sorry and cheery, but now I don't trust them and I hate feeling uncomfortable where I live. Unwelcome in my house. Chippy little bitches with sharp tongues.
2. Not to dwell on that nastiness, I went on holiday with George, but my bag didn't come with me. Incompetent baggage handlers didn't put my bag on the plane. This is the 3rd time this has happened to me! (the bright side - i could get some money from insurance!) Four days of wearing a soggy, baggy, over-priced bikini bought at the local super market.
3. An agency rejected taking on my HSMP visa application case. Pretty gutting to think all your achievements and training would not be "granted points", count for nothing in this system. Bright side - going to apply directly and avoid the agency. If i'm rejected, my company will sponsor me. I just didn't want to be tied down. What if i want to go home next year?
4. I bought 2 tickets for £7.20 from a train ticketing machine, but £50 has been taken from my account. To reverse this, I have to send the tickets - that i no longer have as they are in the ticket machine - and a copy of my bank statement to some office in Norwich (where? exactly!) and wait a certain amount of time for some over-paid officials to assess whether something went wrong. "To assess exactly what you THINK you purchased." Just gimme back my money, cunts.
But at this stage, it's just one more on the pile of bad luck. I'm not even that angry or surprised, more resigned that I've picked up some kind of bad luck virus. Must mitigate my risks until the spate is finished. Must not mention any of this to the bitchy flatmates as it's fuel for their fire.
5. Spoke to home to hear a wave of bad news family-related. It's nothing to do with me, but I feel slightly responsible for what's happening - like my bad luck is rubbing off on others. And I'm too busy, too far away, and maybe too selfish picking up after my own life to help them. Yep. Maybe my flatmates are right.
Despite this, I'm determined to not let the post-holiday glow disappear so quickly. "Good feeling, won't you stay with me just a little longer."
Meanwhile, I'm glad to hear the luck has changed for shoe-boy. His got himself a girlfriend while I was on holiday. Good for him. About time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
