Feeling very edgy and nervous this week. Not sure what I want to do. Need to organise leave if I'm going home for the wedding and my grandma's 80th, but I don't have enough money to get a return yet. Also, I hate my job and am so lonely here that it's tempting to quit and come home. I need to give 2 months notice so I need to make up my mind now. What if something wonderful is just around the corner? What if I get a fabulous new job? Well, then I probably couldn't take the leave that I need to come home.
Plus there are other holidays I want to take. I can't do both trips with the leave that I have.
The other night my flatmate accused me of using his favourite cup (I wasn't even home when the crime occurred). Then last night he handed out free wine to the other housemates. When I asked if I could also have a glass, he said I couldn't as punishment for using his cup. Made me so upset that this is the school yard level of my life now. Is this the life I chose? Why do my flatmates make me feel like a leper? Don't they remember when they first came here? Or is it because they all have each other that they don't realise.
On Sunday I got teary at the museum because I paid full admission only to find out that all the exhibits and games were two player. The world is designed for couples or people with friends. I can't even go to a museum without being reminded of this.
What about people that walk through life alone? Why should we be made to feel like a social outcast just because we're alone? Why does every cafe table set for 2? So they can take away the empty setting when we sit down.
Lectures from home about how I made this choice to come here are meant to help, but they don't. I just keep thinking that it's my fault that things fell apart at home. I will never know whether it would have made a difference if I had stayed. I am such a different person now - but I'm not sure if I'm stronger. I only feel angry, lonely and slightly crazy today. Despite all this, I don't want to have a boyfriend or fall in love. I don't want anybody unreliable shitting on my life with one foot permanently turned to leave the relationship.
There's no point saying that I made the choice to come here, because the door to my life at home has slammed shut in my face. I can't go back and I can't seem to make any progress going forward. There doesn't seem anything ahead of me here. Again people say to put in the effort and after time it will happen. What if I said balls to that. I have rubbed my life raw putting in the effort and this shit still don't shine.
Where the fuck is the sun, is what I want to know.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Monday, July 04, 2005
How appraisals really work
I never posted anything about my work appraisal last month so this is my belated contribution.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
What do guys think?
The latest mystery to add to the 'What is a guy thinking when he...?' list, I have to add:
What was a certain boy thinking when he went to a stags night at a strip club on Saturday and txted me that there wasn't enough intellectual conversation? This is followed up by the mysterious, presumably drunken txt - 'you're the absolute bomb. fa reel'. (Is that English?)
I should be flattered that he was thinking about me while watching pole dancers but I find it a little disturbing on various levels. Shouldn't he just be enjoying the moment and not texting me a blow by blow (oof, bad pun) account of his sordid night? Or maybe he was trying to set himself apart from his mates as being more than another seedy red-blooded male. I know that. He has nothing to prove.
If I was at a strip club on a hen's night, would I txt him? Only to brag about how many dancing dollars I put in their g-strings with my teeth! No, that's not true. I would feel just as uncomfortable, bored, turned off at this showy display of titillation, and a certain level of repulsion towards the whole scene as he did. I would probably feel the need to reach out and txt someone about it too.
Why am I so cynical? Because if there are that many men that hate strippers and strip clubs as they claim, why is there an industry? If I had a dollar for everytime I heard a man say he didn't like that sort of stuff, I would be earning a lot more than I do stripping for men.
In more news from home, Mum said that the floods had her trapped for a while because the river nearby and the creek in her yard actually joined cutting her off from the world. But she loved the chaos of it, I think. Loads of wild river birds came and swam in the billabong. Some long lost and forgotten piece of furniture was suddenly burped up from the depths, and then strewn up to her door as some sort of slimey offering from the river gods. This heavy wooden chair was lost five years ago and it’s a mystery how it ended up at the bottom of the creek.
What was a certain boy thinking when he went to a stags night at a strip club on Saturday and txted me that there wasn't enough intellectual conversation? This is followed up by the mysterious, presumably drunken txt - 'you're the absolute bomb. fa reel'. (Is that English?)
I should be flattered that he was thinking about me while watching pole dancers but I find it a little disturbing on various levels. Shouldn't he just be enjoying the moment and not texting me a blow by blow (oof, bad pun) account of his sordid night? Or maybe he was trying to set himself apart from his mates as being more than another seedy red-blooded male. I know that. He has nothing to prove.
If I was at a strip club on a hen's night, would I txt him? Only to brag about how many dancing dollars I put in their g-strings with my teeth! No, that's not true. I would feel just as uncomfortable, bored, turned off at this showy display of titillation, and a certain level of repulsion towards the whole scene as he did. I would probably feel the need to reach out and txt someone about it too.
Why am I so cynical? Because if there are that many men that hate strippers and strip clubs as they claim, why is there an industry? If I had a dollar for everytime I heard a man say he didn't like that sort of stuff, I would be earning a lot more than I do stripping for men.
In more news from home, Mum said that the floods had her trapped for a while because the river nearby and the creek in her yard actually joined cutting her off from the world. But she loved the chaos of it, I think. Loads of wild river birds came and swam in the billabong. Some long lost and forgotten piece of furniture was suddenly burped up from the depths, and then strewn up to her door as some sort of slimey offering from the river gods. This heavy wooden chair was lost five years ago and it’s a mystery how it ended up at the bottom of the creek.
Friday, July 01, 2005
Wasabi peas
I just gave a guy at work a wasabi pea because he had never had wasabi before and I wanted to see how cute he would look when he was in pain. tee hee.
Kiss me for luck
I remember a year ago I was so happy that I felt like I needed to spread it around, pass it forward. I remember feeling guilty that there weren't people in the world as happy as we were at the time. There were people coveting some of what I had. I had money, a satisfying job, a boyfriend, great friends, and great place to live.
And I also had the memory of where I came from, of a time when I scraped together pennies to buy food, when I worked as an ice-cream cone maker for Royal Copenhagen just to pay the rent.
Now, well I don't have that same extreme feeling of happiness anymore. I put myself out of my comfort zone and travelled the world - so I have been lucky - but the feeling of responsibility for others still looms. There is something really huge missing from my life. There is a thought that has been rolling about in my head and growing for a while now. I missed out on the first round, but after a bit of digging I have found many different offers.
Really want to tell people too, because I could do with support and encouragement for this, but at this moment I think it is best not to jinx it. I can say it's not a completely selfless act. I mean, this is me we are talking about. But it is probably the biggest thing that I could do for other people.
The doubts are - am I fit enough? Will I get the money in time? Will I be able to finish it?
It has nothing to do with my life. There are more important things in the world than career and marriage. There is the rest of the fucking world, for a start.
And I also had the memory of where I came from, of a time when I scraped together pennies to buy food, when I worked as an ice-cream cone maker for Royal Copenhagen just to pay the rent.
Now, well I don't have that same extreme feeling of happiness anymore. I put myself out of my comfort zone and travelled the world - so I have been lucky - but the feeling of responsibility for others still looms. There is something really huge missing from my life. There is a thought that has been rolling about in my head and growing for a while now. I missed out on the first round, but after a bit of digging I have found many different offers.
Really want to tell people too, because I could do with support and encouragement for this, but at this moment I think it is best not to jinx it. I can say it's not a completely selfless act. I mean, this is me we are talking about. But it is probably the biggest thing that I could do for other people.
The doubts are - am I fit enough? Will I get the money in time? Will I be able to finish it?
It has nothing to do with my life. There are more important things in the world than career and marriage. There is the rest of the fucking world, for a start.
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